Forced to face the truth.

Bah humbug. I am a bit of a Grinch at the moment. The one thing I want for Christmas I shouldn't. And as much as I walk around like our friend Gavin Degraw here, he's right about one thing... I am not over it yet.

There are certain absolutes when talking about this. He is a horrible person. And as much as I hate to admit it, my self esteem when we met was horrible and I know that is why I stayed with him for so long. I allowed him to treat me like shit for 8 years because my self worth was so low that I didn't think I could get anyone better. I made excuses for him and lied for him all because I though in the end he would be the person that I made up in my head. And when that was taken away from me I thought I would never recover. And truth be told their are still days that I can't believe he is gone. And I wonder always of what could have been done different.

I think my problem at this point is that I remember all the fun we did had. In the beginning when everything was fresh and new. It sucks to have so many things in common with a person who has no concept how to love you because they don't love themselves. I watch from a far and watch his life deteriorate into nothing and wish I could find solice in that, but it just makes me miss him even more.

This moment of weakness was brought on by a conversation today that I had. I had a dream about him and today he text me. I've been wanting for months to ask him if he was ready to let me completely go. We broke up in March of 2010 and have been back and forth since then. The last time he was home we had a big fight and he left here with out saying good bye. I feel a unexplained magnetic force that keeps us from truly letting go. I have spent months not contacting him unless he does me, ignoring him, moving on, meeting people and it all comes back to him. But I digress....

So his answer to my question was I love you that's all I know... now truly they are just words on a screen, but its not enough anymore. The old me would have ran back and jumped right in his arms just because he said he loved me. But when does that love turn into action. Truth be told he moved on the other side of the country with out a fleeding thought. Left me here. He has never chosen me and I need to be with someone no matter what would always choose me. And that is what makes this so hard because I do love him, well the idea of him, what he was suppose to represent in my heart and soul.

So just for today I am not doing just fine because my heart is trying to repair itself because I need to let go and the last to pieces of my heart string feels like there is something to hold on to. But I can't help some one who refuses to take responisbilty for themselves which I plainly told him today.

So me and Gavin my be kickin the P and me singing his song, because I am NOT over you.

Living a life that I can't leave behind

On most days now there is only a thought. But as it gets closer to the holidays I am wondering more.

I am struggling with my circle of friends as the closer I look at them the more I wonder why we are friends. I think I use to surround myself with people so I wouldn't have to deal with my own crap. And now that I have decided to deal with my crap it make is increasingly harder to give a crap about other peoples crap (please forgive my use of the word crap so many times, trying really hard not to say shit) but I digress...

I find that I know a lot of mean girls, and I use the term to discribe a group of people not that they are actually all girls. But as I trot along on my journey it is getting increasingly hard to want to be around these people. Especially when they aren't very nice to me in the first place. The more I lose my "outter fat shell" and the stronger I get in my body and my mind and I am starting to see that I don't really like these people but because I have considered the friends for so long they are really hard to let go.

Before that old Davette would have just took the abuse and the treatment and not really thought anything of it, but now it has gotten to the point where I want to lash out and scream. I can't stand people who go through life ignoring you one minute and then in your face the next. I can't stand people who think you are just there for there enjoyment and because there isn't anything better to do. Real friends love you even if your panties are stinky and will be there to help you wash your panties. Fake friends don't answer your calls or text when you text them and they just wanna be around when things are on the up and up.

So what does Bizarre Love Triangle have to do with all of this. There have been points in the last year where I have wanted to get down on my knees and scream out why God. I am having a hard time leaving parts of my old life behind and today I was reminded of that very thought when this song came on my Pandora this morning. I need to work on letting some of those "mean girls" go because sitting up at night worrying about why they are igrnoring me on this day, or they passive agressive reactions to something I have said of done, doesn't really matter in the larger picture.

People who don't love themseves certainly can't love another person. So what I plan to do is love those "mean girls" from a far and keep doing me...

XOXO

I am not paranoid...

Today's thought. Why do people think they have the right to police the things you write or post or whatever. I have always been a writer, even at a young age I would spend my evenings after homework writing letters of love or of friendship to those in my life. Never as a child did I ever think that the internet would become what it has. But writing has always been my way of getting things out so that I can better understand myself and certain situations that arise in my life. And since the conception of FACEBOOK and MY Space my thoughts have always gotten me into trouble.

For a long time I thought it was ME because I am lacking what some peole call a sensor tollerance. But as of late I am starting to think it is everyone else.  One of the freedoms that I enjoy is that one they call the First Amendment.  Which basically gives me the right to say what the fuck I want. But I do try to take peoples sensitivities into consideration before I say certain things, well at least I use to. But I have gotten to the point where as long as I am not literally causing harm to anyone, what does it matter. I think people need to make a decision, you are either gonna keep reading or stop. I am not asking anyone to ever read what I have to say, because who am I other than a woman who has decided to put pen to paper and make sense of her crazy world.

In trying to focus on myself more and less on the past, I find that I need to be free in what I say because that is going to help me find my true self. It is very hard to look at yourself and find those places where you have hidden for so long, especially if people are constantly berading you and trying to get you to shut up so to speak. But I think about all of those before me who screamed loudly through their actions and I think, well I can keep doing this.

So where does Rockwell fit into all these. He really doesn't, I posted this song more for the haters out there because at times they make me feel like I am being watched. It's like people are waiting for me to fuck up. But that's just it even when you do fuck up you can start over and try again. Life is about taking chances, as many as you need to until you get where you are going. And I am going to keep taking chances every day till I get there.

XOXO

30 days.

So. It has been 31 days since I have even looked at my blog. I guess I have been busy. Busy visiting my aunt at the hospital. Busy planning her funeral. Busy trying to figure out who the heck I am. Busy trying to figure out how my life is different and how things are constantly changing and I don't know if I am going to be able to keep up. So busy that I forgot why I even started this blog. But today I had some time to think and I realized that they reason why I started this blog may have changed but its purpose is still relevent. So I must press on and get back to the source that inspires this blog....music.

I was on a friends group page on facebook today and she has as the quote for her page "Step by Step, day by day." And it reminded me of this Whitney Houston song. And its amazing sometimes what songs can make you feel ( i know I keep saying that but its the truth) I honestly use to not like this song so much that when it would come on my CD I would skip it. But it wasn't until just a little while ago that I actually GOT what she was singing out.

This song is about making it through whatever is thrown at you. A few months ago I thought I would never be to a point where the past didn't matter, when it wouldn't be my focus day in and day out. And I think that is why I stepped away from the blog. I was tired of seeing myself on paper complain about something that wasn't going to change. But its now with the same sense of purpose I had before that I have to change the underlying theme and reinvent what this is suppose to be about... SELF DISCOVERY through music.

To quote the lyrics...

Well, there's a bridge and there's a river
That I still must cross
As I'm going on my journey
Oh, I might be lost
And there's a road I have to follow
A place I have to go
But no one told me just how to get there
But when I get there I'll know...
'Cause I'm taking it...
Step by step
Bit by bit
Stone by stone
Brick by brick
Step by step
Day by day
Mile by mile
Go your own way

So I have taken my own way on the same road as everyone else. And I will be continuing along this road with a song in my heart and skip in my step. It is when I find ME I know I will have found my way :0 )

XOXO

 

Thank you Paula Abdul......

So, I blame Paula Abdul for my distorted view of the way love should be. Pretty fucked up isn't it. To blame one person for all the irreversable damage, but someone has to take the blame. All of her happy up beat songs like...

Forever Your Girl

or maybe if that doesn't float your boat, what about....

Rush Rush ( gotta love KR in this one)

But I mean come on, this idealist view of the way love should be has gotten me in trouble.  I mean that crap that she is singing about doesn't really exsist I don't think. Or maybe it does and my past is just full of bullshit that was disguised as the love she sings about.

Right now I feel like why even put in the work if they are just gonna leave you in the end. What sucks about trying to get over and move on past this love is that you have to think about all the aspects of what happened, examine them and figure out how to grow past it. Looking back on everything the first thing that dawned on me was that I want a storybook, love song version of a relationship.  But that doesn't really happen. Relationships are hard, they take work, and ONE person can't do all the work. It's like when you text someone and they don't respond. Should I have to ask questions to always get a response from that person, well no, I feel. Because a person who wants to carry on a conversation with you will respond whether or not there is a question. Because conversations are always about question and answer.

What I am starting to realize is that a person who wants to be in a relationship with you won't disappear for days, will answer when you call, will call you just because. They won't hesitate to tell you that they love you or their feelings for you. Actions will SCREAM it.  A love song isn't what the love is, its a manifestation of what the love has made that person feel. So maybe it isn't Paula's fault, but the way my brain has for years processed how love should make me feel. And instead of wanting to feel like a love song, I need to feel enough to want to write my own love song. 

I just felt a piece of my heart reconnect to my soul.

XOXO

And NOW I'm Stuck....

So there isn't a "official video for this song. I wish there was cause he is SOOO hot and they have such creative and very 80's type videos that have storyline and the such, but maybe you can just imagine him doing something creative and cool while you read this and listen along.

SN: How many of your listen to the song while you are reading. I try to write the blog while I am listening to the song, I think that is how the lyrics sometimes end up in the actual post. Then other times its hard cause I get so lost in the song I forget to type....

So, I woke up this morning and despite still dealing with this stupid cold, virus, running nose thing, I feel stuck. I keep replaying my relationship over in my head, trying to figure out what the fuck happened. I some times feel like I am just really ill-equipt to even be someone's girlfriend. What does it even really mean. I don't know how to day. Hell, I barely can talk to men most of the time. I watch my friends flirt with guys and carry on these relationships with ease and that thought of actually meeting someone and having to let them get to know me actually scares that crap out of me.  So I dont really think I am ready for that step especially since my heart is still belting out this song.

So Adam makes several points in his beautiful ballad. I am stuck. Everytime I think I get unstuck, something reminds me or makes me think about what was was. I am trying daily to not fall apart. But it really pisses me off that he is just fine with all of this. To quote his very last text to me, You have been leaving me for a year, so I am pretty much use to it now. WHAT? WTF does that mean. I mean I could go on a rant about how that fool left me and moved to North Dakota and didn't even tell me, but we won't go there.

It just sucks cause I would like to think in a perfect world that he is somewhere on the eastern seaboard wondering the streets of where ever he lives just as upset as I am and trying NOT to fall apart, but I know better. And that is just the kicker for me, because this is the exact reason WHY we shouldn't be together in the first place. I want someone who CAN'T live with out me and he isn't that. I feel stupid because my heart strings still want him to do that, but I guess recognizing the problem is the first step right?

A procedure like that one Jim Carey in Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind would be AWESOME right now.

XOXO

I don't know why....

I haven't written in a week. There are so many things that are going on that its hard for me to FOCUS. My brain is all over the place. It is very hard to get over someone that you have loved for a LARGE chunk of your life. I mean up until about 5 years ago I don't think I was still over my high school sweatheart. So 7.5 years has passed and the person who you told EVERYTHING to isn't there anymore. You look at your phone and noticed that it doesn't ring other than your mother, no texts come through, nothing. It makes me kinda sad.

When a heart breaks, it don't break even

I bet you were expecting to see The Script up there Break-even? Well I happen to be listening to that song, that I thought was called Falling To Pieces for a long time, while I type this blog. When I first sat down to write this little ditty, I was thinking about the design of my life and how I wanted to look and how that is a constantly evolving thing, I was in fact listening to the song you see above Into Dust by the awesome group Mazzy Star. And I think that the fact that I even know who this artist is, is a true testament to how my design is so eclectic that it is going to be tough to find someone who can appreciate me. I think the key word her is FIND, because what I have learned after all of this is I will NEVER find him. He will have to find me.

So with this song in mind, and a warm though of spending a lazy Saturday afternoon listening to tunes and watching movies with someone who not only loves me, but loves all the eclectic stuff about me :) I know he is out there. And I am giving this wish and thought to the heavens for safe keeping until it shall be :)

*insert Britney Spears giggle here*
XOXO

Silence...

I haven't had any songs floating around in my head for the past few days. It's like someone has turned off the Top 40 radio in my head. No 80's tunes to envote feeling, no 90's punk to rock out too. Just dead air. It makes it quite difficult to work on a blog that is all about SONGS, when you can't hear any music. It's like the sea has calmed a bit. Music is such an important part of my life that I can't imagine it with out it. I am questioning if my soundtrack is finished. I feel like Edward does when he talks with Bella. He can't see or hear her thoughts, always wondering what is coming next. I look in the mirror and see a completely different person staring back. Which in some ways is AWESOME, you know weight loss and all, but then there is a part of that face that is still trying to figure this mess all out.

I have spent so much time trying to "be someone" that I forgot how to be myself. The girl who LOVES television. The girl who loves movies. The girl who likes to laugh and make silly jokes. The girl who loves her family and friends. The motivator, the leader, and the MUSICIAN. Kinda crazy don't you think. How can you let a black hole suck up all that is what makes you be you. But I did. I was so busy running around trying to be something that I was not, that I forgot about all the things I was already. And at this moment, I am sad for myself because I have been missing out on it all. I have to learn to say yes more, especially to those things that could take me places where I want to be, so that when I look in the mirrow I see who I remember.

So it's quite okay I think, that the song has left my heart. Because she needs to rebuild and to remember. And today I am quite alright with that :)

So I charge you, my faithful readers to find a song, that represents my thoughts expressed here and post it in a comment. You guys may pick something I NEVER would have thought of...
XOXO

Hey , alright now and dont it feel good!! hey yeh

So, the natural assumption by the song is that some poor smuck has told me that he loves me, but that is so NOT TRUE. I picked this song to celebrate the feeling that it invokes. Like you could just do anything. I'm walking on Sunshine. And it feels good.

There's a day after tomorrow

So today is a new day. The beginning of the work week. Also the start of a new month. And with that I leave the past behind and what a fitting song by Mr. Jon Secada who incidentally looks like he could be related to M. Knigh Shyamalan. But I digress...

So I'm Free. What a difference 24 hour makes.

I'm gonna be my own best friend.

Truth is that it was over ages ago. But we both kept pulling each other back and forth like that Cameo song. I kept playing with breaking up with him. I would get so angry and tell him to go fuck himself one day and then 7, 14, 21 or 30 day's later I would change my mind. I think the longest I went was six months once. Now looking back on it, it seems so stupid, such a waste of time, I could have been doing anything else. I thought maybe we could figure it out and work it out, but that wasn't the case. I am incapable of that anymore.

I could go into the million reasons why, and explain and ramble on and on, but its to late for all that now. So I chose Me, Myself and I today. Doesn't matter anymore why. What does matter is that I finally have gotten it through my thick skull that this isn't going to work. That he isn't my husband and that I don't need him in my life anymore.

For 3 hours today I cried. I cried so much that I gave myself a headache.  And then I looked up and outside and I suddenly felt better. I don't know, it was like the control he had over me was gone. I flew out the window with the bee that scared the crap out of me. I think I realized that this was familiar to me and easy. I knew how to navigate this relationship and pretend that everything was okay. He checked out a year ago, stating that it's easy for him because I have been so back and forth over the past year that he knew this was coming eventually and that he was sorry that he couldn't make me happy the way I deserved to be happy. Which, I hate to admit there is some truth in that. Doesn't make it any easier though.

I think I finally heard what everyone else was trying to tell me. And maybe now I can get on with my life. I wanna thank everyone who has listen to me cry over the last 8 years. I know some of you have just gotten tired of me and this and I truly appreciate everything you have said or done. I think I have finally remembered those things that had gotten lost along the way.
XOXO

What I wish you would say.

So New Edition is what started my obsession with boy bands. And like NKOTBSB they have stood the test of time. This song isn't quite 20 years old yet, but it is nostalgic nonetheless.

I wish this is what he would say to me. I wish I could wake up tomorrow and all that bad things were erased and that we were just a boy and a girl who were trying to make it. I wish things weren't complicated by infidelity and a Maury Povich episode number of baby mommas and kids running around. I wish there weren't so many lies that I can't tell what the truth is anymore. I wish I would have walked away on that September night when he said that I shouldn't love him. But all of that will still be there, no matter how many times I close my eyes and wish.

Why is this so difficult? I guess it wouldn't be worth it if it was easy. I can only come out stronger on the other side. But like the song says, "I just need one more day." And tomorrow is that and the last day.

Reminiscing our love as I watch four seasons change

Fall.

Fall begin with truth slapping me in the face. It’s difficult when you finally figure out the shit that everyone else was trying to tell you but you were too fucking stupid silly in love to figure out for yourself. In my case I didn’t want to deal with it. Finding out that your boyfriend is just gonna keep getting everyone else pregnant but you is really a tough cookie to swallow. But let’s face it we only see what we want to see. I was determined to make this man mine forever. I mean who wouldn’t want to be with me for life or longer, I am amazing.  But what I couldn’t see was that there was NOTHING wrong with me. I hadn’t done anything wrong. I was doing EVERYTHING right. I was one of those girls who had just fallen in love with the wrong dude. I know I stayed about 1, 2 , 3  5 years to long, but it’s my nature. I think my sister hit it on the head a few weeks ago when she said that my mom always taught us to see the potential in people, you know what they could be. And every day I was with Jacob I saw what he could be. But there comes a point in your life where you can’t be someone’s potential. They have to want it for themselves.

Jacob is home this week and we have been hanging out. What I can’t get people to understand is that this was never about him NOT loving me or caring for me. What it is about is that he doesn’t know HOW to love and care for me the right way. My needs aren’t getting met in this relationship. And I tried to meet my needs and his needs at the same time and my poor soul has given out on me. It makes me sad because this man has been so much of my life for so long that I am having a hard time letting go. I can tell that he is to and neither of us knows what to do.

A really good friend at work today told me that I am going to have to be the one to walk away. That Jacob is going to hold on to me as long as he can and I will allow him. And what fucking hurt was that she is so right. If I leave this up to him, he would just keep me hanging on. But at this point I don’t know if I can hang on any longer. I don’t wanna spend the next 8 years of my life waiting for him to decide that I am the one or to change for me. I don’t want that responsibly anymore. You have to want to change for yourself.

So with this blog I am giving myself 4 seasons to change. I don’t wanna miss out on something special because I am still mourning the loss of this relationship in my life. So we begin with fall, I am going to let it die. As the leaves change and fall of the trees, my heart will start to put itself back together again.  I know this isn’t going to be easy, but I am just gonna take it one day at a time.

XOXO

The less I seek my source for some definitive

I haven't posted a blog all week. And while I sit on hold waiting for someone to answer my call I thought I would pound my fingers to the keyboard.

A friend had a line from Indigo Girls' "Closer To Fine" and it spung up in my soul setting it on fire. I had to contemplate this song for a few days just because I had never heard it before. But there was something that made me wanna listen. And once I did, I knew that this is song that salutes where I am in my journey to walk away. Each day I get closer to being fine with the way things are. I can't change the past, but I can define my future. Sure today and maybe tomorrow and the next day, I won't say I won't cry or call or wanna speak with him. But I know if a little while I won't have the urge so much. I won't watch my body go through withdrawl like a addict who is dextoxing from her drug of choice. I will just be fine.

This week has taught me that someone who can one minute make you as high as the clouds allow and then so angry at the same time isn't someone who should be trusted.  It's hard to have him here and to not want to spend every moment with him, trying, in my own little way to say good bye. To acclimate myself to the inevitable. But this is my journey and I can't let other define how I choose to deal with it. I wanna wrap my legs around him and hold him down and smack him till he gets it. But the thing is, I know he gets it. I know that he knows the love is there, but that just isn't enough anymore.

I have looked all over for the right answer. Answer will never come for me this way. I wish I would have figured that out 7 years ago. I always wanted to know why.. why this and why not that, but it doesn't matter. I need to just let go and let the process develop itself. One thing I do know is that I have to let go because I am just spinning my wheels in this spot and pretty soon I will have no rubber to do so.

So tonight I will lay my head next to his and remind myself that this is the last time. I will take the moment in and remember it for what it is, but with the remind that this doesn't change anything. And one day soon, I will be closer to fine

I sometimes think that Adam is in side of my head.

I am having trouble sleeping tonight. So I decided to put on the Maroon Five playlist on Pandora. I swear besides being extremely attractive that Adam Levine has a song for every situation.

Song 1:  Makes me Wonder

Now. I don't know what secret he is talking about. But I know that I do not believe in you anymore. I am way off track, not even close to where I thought I would be at almost 34 years old. Wasted years on a promise of nothing. It does make ME wonder. It's funny after all these years that I still wonder if you loved me. I still don't believe it, because it just doesn't make sense that after all this time you still keep doing the same stupid shit. So I don't have a reason or the time.

Song 2: Misery

I did something stupid tonight. I called him. IDK why. The impending arrive of his person has rocked my body to the core. And I have made a choice that I now have to live with. How come the right choices always suck. It's like when I decided to lose weight or to stop drinking regular soda, or giving up drinking, this shit is hard. You wanna be mature about things, and say those things that you think you should say. You wanna have that moment when you sit back to back not looking at each other and say everything that is in your heart, but you know you shouldn't do that. But you are compelled. I just wanted to see if he would answer, and it sent me in a downward spiral. Because once again you are realizing that you aren't important and burns into your soul that you never were.

Song 3: Leave This Bed-please refer to last night's blog.

Song 4:  She Will Be Loved

Song title says it all. I will be loved. I am loved. I love myself and that is what is allowing me to move on. This isn't love. This is some sort of torture that I have decided to subject myself to for whatever dumb reason. It's gotta stop.

Song 5:  Goodnight, Goodnight

I have to use Adam's words;
So much to love
So much to learn
But I won’t be there to teach you, oh
I know I can be close
But I try my best to reach you

I’m so sorry, I did not mean to hurt my little girl
It's beyond me, I cannot carry the weight of a heavy world
So goodnight, goodnight, goodnight, goodnight
Goodnight, goodnight, goodnight, goodnight
Goodnight, goodnight, goodnight, goodnight
Goodnight, hope that things work out all right, yeah
Whoa, oh…
Yeah

And with that it ends. 

Take it, Take it all, Take all that I have.....



In contemplating the recent failed relationship in my life I have wondered why I feel like such a failure as it relates to that relationship. For almost 8 years now I have been an active participant in a relationship that was most of time very one sided it seemed. I was the glue that held it together with no help from my partner. I struggle daily with accepting that the right decision is to move on because it is so familiar to me and in a moment of honest I realize that just like any other drug, I crave acceptance and feel the need to WIN this persons affections. I feel like I got an F on my report card, because I have been unable to make this relationship work. And as everything else in my life seems to be going so smoothly, this particular part of my life has never seemed to work or been very much a happy addition to my already blessed life.  It is in this moment of honest that I find myself failing to really see the truth in the matter and it is making me want to once again change my mind and take back my decision. I am tired of the looks that people give me, and the statements that are made and just feeling like shit to be perfectly honest when any relationship is suppose to add to your life and lift you up. All I feel right now is regret and hurt surrounding this situation and I am unsure as to how to proceed with my life.  I have a man that I deeply love to my core, who continues with his actions but not his words, to hurt me in ways that NO ONE should have to deal with. And I sit idle and stagnant waiting for him to change. If there is one thing I have learned from my career is that people are slow to change and after 8 years I am smart enough (but stupid to not want to deal with it) to know that he is going to continue to make the same choices and to hurt me.  And the realization of that makes my heart break more.

I have always been a pretty simple girl who believes that even though relationships are complicated, the have very simple components that make them work. Boy and Girl meet, they talk and learn about each other and they either fall in love or they don’t. Love is the glue, communication is the foundation and the rest falls into place. If two people can’t meet in the middle then what do you have, nothing. My relationship failed because the communication failed in the beginning. What I wanted wasn’t what he wanted. To the outside world things looked different than they really were. I was living in fantasy land refusing to deal with what the truth really was. And now, 8 years later, the truth still stings like a fresh paper cut. As I replay the relationship over in my head I now realize that if I would have made one different decision my life would have been very different now, and maybe I wouldn’t be here nursing the heartache of the century. But I have to deal with the card I have been dealt and that is my personal Idaho.

A friend  send me this quote today : "The dissolution of an intimate relationship is not necessarily a reflection of failure on any parties fault....it's the raising of a white flag either, mutually or independently, in an attempt to acknowledge one's inability to no longer compromise themselves or that other person in the relationship."

It’s funny how words can make you feel immediately better. I have carried this guilt around for SO LONG about wanting to leave my ex alone. I feel like I failed him because I promised that I would never leave him. But then I think about all the promises he made and how he has continuously broken them and broken me.  It feels like my heart is being ripped into piece because it knows that this isn’t the best for it, but at the same time it has loved this person for so long that it’s hard to let go.

The last email I received from him was probably the most thoughtful one I feel. He said:

“Its not easy I always change your mind and we end up fighting again… You are talking about that you are gaining weight back and shit, what am I suppose to do? I love you I truly do but you really want to lose wight and I don’t want to stand in the way of that.  I have hurt you enough already so I am letting you go so you can find the happiness you deserve.

Honestly hurts sometimes, but it’s the truth.  He is letting me go. And I need to let myself off the hook. I didn’t fail. I gave it my very best try, and it didn’t work out and that is okay. It’s not about forgiving him anymore, it’s about forgiving myself and walking towards my future and what will be good for me and give me all the happiness I deserve.

I ask that my friends, those who love me and support me to be patient, because in this quest for self forgiveness and to begin to love myself again, there are going to be choices to be made that you may not necessarily agree with. I am going to make mistakes and say things I don’t mean and do things that you may not necessarily like, but know that I am going to try my hardest and dammnest to get over this hurdle and come out a beautiful butterfly on the other side. I hear your thoughtful concerns and cries for me and I take them to heart, each and everyone. But what I do ask is that you remember that until you have stood in my shoes, that you don’t understand what this is like for me. And until you love someone with your total core could you even begin to get what I am trying to do her. They say it takes half the amount of time to get over someone as you were with them, and if that is the case that I am going to spend the next 4 years dealing with this (please know that I don’t plan on taking that long) but be patient with me please. Because I am going to need you all now, more than ever.

Upside, inside, around side. OH lord.

So. I was listening to Pandora today. And as most of my faithful readers know that HE is coming home this week. This song put a smile on my face and made me feel a little less edgy about the whole thing. I don't really have much to say at this point, but God forgive me.

I am a work in progress.

Dreaming

So this video is awesome for so many reasons, but my favorite reason is that it has the girl who played the lead in the movie "JUST ONE OF THE GUYS." One of my favorite 80's movies.  And how can you NOT love her hair in the video. But I digress.

My dreams are being invaded of my past love. The more I try to pull away the more my psyche pulls me closer. I feel like I am stuck, so willing to walk away, but still have my foot behind me attempting to turn around. It's still hard after 8 years to let go. And I mean I can't quite understand why at this point.  Year after year, the heart break that I have experienced should have sent me to the funny farm by now. I mean people look at me and say "why does she keep doing this to herself," "she deserves better than that," "doesn't she know her worth," "such low self esteem she has." But that isn't it.  I was always taught that you have to work at a relationship, the good the bad and the ugly. But this is just ludicrous right, because of the variables that play a role in this situation. But I have always looked past that and saw thing but my match. The other half of me. The complete part of my soul.

I close my eyes to sleep and a dream of a place where the variables are different. It's just me and him, no one else. There aren't all the wrenches that were throw into the pot. We are just two people in love who are fighting for the existence of our relationship. And it makes me quite sad, because that is a fantasy. Because all of the baggage is there. And how can I move forward if I don't understand what got me to this point in the first place.

I feel like my soul is being ripped apart. I spend to much time doing what other people want me to do. I need to focus on what is going to make me happy and what is going to make everyone else happy.  So that is what I am going to do.

So I am going to dream a little dream. And get my left foot to catch up to my right.

So together, so broken....

Week 2 isn’t going so well. There has been 2 emails and a numerous amount of text messages that have just left me more frustrated than solved anything. I feel like I am in the middle of the biggest divorce. Why am I holding on to these feelings? It’s not like we have assets we have to divide or a custody agreement to come up with. We just need to go in the opposite direction and run never taking the time to look back. But I am torn, into pieces. Parts of me are floating in the ether and I want to claim them back. I wish I could understand and grasp how someone just can hurt you so bad that your core splits and turns you into this crazy bubbling needed infant crazy person.

I refuse to cry anymore. I think after 8 years there are enough tears ingrained in to my brain and my pillow that it is just a waste of time to even put the effort in to form a tear.  But in the darkest moments of the night my mind trails off to a place where I don’t want it or need it to go. I sit there and wade in the pool of my despair and sadness.  I hate feeling like this, like I can’t live without him. I mean I have been for almost 2 years living without him. We haven’t lived in the same place for more than a few months since 2007. I for two years woke up most days alone without him at my side. SO what is the fucking difference?

My friend says that I need to experience this regret. To let is wash over me. I need to stop not experiencing things and trying to push it to the back recesses of my mind. But that is scary don’t you think. To give into the parts of yourself that you don’t want to see and to accept that you just weren’t what each other needed. I still find myself trying to get him to see it my way, to accept what I have accepted, to agree with how I feel about things, but he doesn’t. He continues to be silent. It makes me sad so sad.

I really wish that he could hear what my heart is saying. How he broke it in to. What it was like when I finally realized that this isn’t what I wanted. And how many times I change my mind on a daily basis. Its amazing sometimes what God does to make sure you understand. And I am tired of NOT listening to him. 

Stinky...

I think I am going to babble a long for a minute before I post the video in the window. Partly because I have NO clue what the video is tonight. This is only made worse by the fact that I have "This One's For the Children" stuck in my head. UGH. That is the only NKOTB song that I could live with out. But any ways, on to the next one. LOL nice Jay-Z reference, but that isn't the song either.

I am stuck. I wanna see him. the 20th is in 8 days. But I can tell you what will happen if we do see each other and I don't want that to happen AT ALL. Well maybe my loins do, but my brain and heart don't.  So IDK. Is there even a song for what I am feeling. Besides Stupid Girl. OOOOH That's it. hold on.

So I thought that Stupid girl would be the song, but then I remember this little gem.

Sometimes it's good to ramble because it has led us to here. Special. Every feeling I feel right now is emoted in this song. It sucks sometimes that A song can cause me to want to scream and holler. But its right. I thought you were special. I am tired of the violence. I am just tired. So there will be no happy reunions ending in back breaking love making. There is just a ending point. You aren't special. I just thought you were.

Breakout....

Silly little video from the 80's. You would think that I was a teenager during the 80's for all the music I love from that decade. But I was just a kid who had a radio that the dial was stuck on a radio station that played 70's and 80's pop music all day.  So we have Breakout by Swing out sister. One of my favorite empowerment songs.

I kinda feel like I just broke out. I found my voice again and I screamed NO MORE. I can't wait for my exterior and my interior to match. I have a song for that too :)

I wanted to share something that I wrote and sent in a email and then the edited response (the only reason why I am editing it, is because I can't put something that is grammatically incorrect on my blog for fear of my friend James to say something to me about it.

There is a disclaimer with this: I was drunk when I wrote the email. Momentary lapse in judgement, but the shit needed to be said. So here is my email (please excuse the language, it was the liquor):

Thanks for deleting me from facebook, you saved me the time of having to do it. But I am just wondering why you didn't respond to my text messages. you could have TRIED to change my mind. I can't believe how fucking easy it is for you to just let go. oh wait yeah I can, you never FUCKING loved me in the first fucking place. I was just your cash cow, cock whore.

thanks for ruining my life.

 

Davette K. Baker

Lover of cats and grilled cheese.

His response Edited:

It's not easy.  I always change your mind and we end up fighting again.  You talking about you gaining weight back and shit.  What am i suppose to do. I love you I truly do but you really want to lose wight and I don't want to stand in the way of that. I have hurt you enough already so I let go so you can find the happiness you deserve 

 love u peace.

So that's where I stand. And I am keeping running the other direction. I have broken free. I think I needed that. The validation that he gets it. In the past he makes it my fault. I was the one who left and I was the one that broke us. And I didn't. I didn't do anything but love someone who I probably should have not. And I am going to keep breaking out of that every day. Anytime I feel something pushing on me and pulling me back I am goin to roar and bust through. And think of this silly little song. Man did they really have fun in the 80's. 

So. We know I love the 80's. Partly because of the CRAZY big hair and it was a time where everyone was so unbelievably happy that they didn't realizes that over half the songs in the 80's were about masturbation. But in my quest to NOT right about my on personal idaho, once again my psyche has brought me to the exact spot  that I don't want to be. So let's just get it out so we can move on.

Stir It up, what uplifting song about changing your life, which can suck btw on any given day. Some day's you feel so up to what is going on in your life that you forget that something you consider the worst thing to ever happen to you even happened. I think this past week I was in that place. I was so happy and free and ready to CHANGE my life. And now I am right where I was Tuesday before last. In the doldrums watching the very first movie the devil and I ever watched together wondering why didn't I see it then.

Patti Says:

Baby, stir it up,
got to break it up now
When I think about tomorrow,
ooh, I can't wait to
Stir it, got to shake it up now
If I have to beg or borrow,
I'm not gonna take it anymore, mmm, mmm

So that is what I am going to do. Im gonna stir it up and bury it. 10 feet in the grown. I am going to be okay.

Carly Simon always gets it right.

There isn't a Carly Simon song that I don't like. And When i was researching for tonight's blog I just typed her name in and paroosed through her videos to see which one spoke to me. And the question of the moment, for me anyways is why?

I can't imagine entering into a relationship with someone and not really wanting to be in it. I felt hidden at times. Especially later on. I still feel like I am trapped on some island waiting to get off. I felt myself screaming so that I would be heard. But there was no one else around. So Why? Why did you keep me? I know I will neve know the real answer to that. It makes me sad for a moment. But then I just press on.

I take out all the pressure I have put on myself in the gym. It's my way of coping. One squat here and one squat there. Put out the pain. Breathe in light and love. Its the only thing that is keeping me from going crazy.

7 days....

Okay so first off. This video is TOO funny because Toni's crazy ass sisters are her background singers. Look at how crazy Tamar.com looks. ROTFLMAO.

Secondly, I am SO glad that the 90's have passed and please don't let them come back. I can't dress like that again. Nor cut my hair like that.

Thirdly, I am going crazy over here because I am doing the second most scary thing I have ever done in my life next to deciding to Not be fat anymore. I am leaving Jacob Nicholas Smith ALONE. So tonight blog goes out to him and his bullshit, cause I would rather be on my own. (IT only took me 8 FREAKIN years to get here).

Something about me is different today. I don't know what it is, but I think that getting this 215lbs off my back is going to be the second best thing I have done in the past year. Sure I am sad, but I think in the end. I am going to be the happiest person.

We shall see.

Death of a Relationship

Relationships die.
If I could I would have a funeral and I would play the following songs:

Because EVERY where I go I am reminded of something. We spent years crawling this part of the each together.

Because this was one of our favorite songs.

It reminds me of the night we laid up under the stars when we flew the kite in the rain.

Cause I thought I could.

For the anniversary we spent in the bar with the man passed out on the stairs outside.

For every time I left and decided to come back.

For my up and down, back and forth, on again of again feelings.

Because I finally am facing the music.

This death is a long time coming. I have steps that I am going to follow to ensure that my heart heals properly. Bur I leave the relationship here on this page from ashes to ashes, dust to dust.

Radar...

Okay I know you guys are like GEEZ D, what's with all the freakin BS lately. Well. Forget it's her for a minute and listen to what she is saying. I mean whomever wrote this song new what the heck they were saying. I happen to love this song because of the words. What point she is conveying. And the beat is awesome. 

She sings:
Confidence is a must
Cockiness is a plus
Edginess is a rush
Edges (I like 'em rough)
A man with a Midas touch
Intoxicate me, I'm a lush
Stop you're making me blush
People are looking at us

Everything I want right. Got this guy that's a little bad boy, but a sweetheart at his core. I wanna be drunk on your "self" when i am with you. Get lost in the moment forget where I am and have to come up for air. I want to look at you and feel it in my toes. I want people to notice and stare. I wanna FEEL. 

I want to see you. I want to notice you. I don't wanna just walk past you with a turned up nose and to never acknowledge you exist. I want you on my Radar.

She goes on to sing:

Interesting sense of style
Ten million dollar smile
Think I cant handle that
Animal in the sack
His eyes see right to my soul
I surrender self-control
Catch me looking again
Falling right into my plan.. 

Capture my mind, then my heart, and then I will intertwine my soul with yours. Where has the love like that gone away to. Sure this is a silly song about being on the prowl, but really what do we have on our radar? I want that crazy can't forget you forever love. But I don't want it to break me again like my last relationship. But I also know that I am in a much better place. I am not going to put all my eggs in once basket. I am going to let myself feel things and let the cards fall where they may. Have expectations of myself that will help me be realistic in my expectations of my potential mate. I am going to let go and be free. And hope that someone trips my radar.

Boys.

They suck.
You love them.
You lust after them.
You share your lunch with them.
They break your heart.
They make you cry.
And they are oh so frustrating.
But that is because they are BOYS.

A MAN on the other hand
 won't suck
 will love you back.
 will share EVERYTHING with you.
 will protect your heart with everything he's got.
 will wipe your tears.
 won't frustrate you but make you whole and life will be easy.
But that is the difference between a boy and a man.
A boy won't, but a man WILL :)

Everything is NOT perfect....

I just wanted to stay. 

I can't understand for the LIFE of me why God would let me know you but I cant have you.

I think that is why I don't let you in my bubble. 

I was trying to figure out the reason why this song kept coming to me.

And why I kept hearing it in my head. 

And today the answer presented itself.
It's hard to respect someone's wishes when their every move contradicts what they are saying. I am having a hard time thinking. 

I looked up at him once today. We were so close that we were breathing the same pocket of air. I wondered what it would be like if this would be forever. And it made me sad a bit. Is it possible to love someone when you only know bits and pieces of their existence. I've often wondered that. 

Why I ask?

Heartless.....

How could you be so heartless? Well. Easy. I think as women we take and take it all in and then when we are full to the top we explode.  And whoever is in front of us at that time gets the shrapnel so to speak. I have had a few men in the past year tell me that I am really mean and heartless, which if you know me at all it isn’t true. I give EVERYONE in my life a million chances. My mother raised me to see the potential in a person, to grow and foster friendships and relationships because they are ever changing. And I have carried that with me throughout my life.  That bad part of living your life like that is that you will get sucked in to peoples bullshit and sit around and take stuff that you should probably just walk away from. Some people call that being a push over, but I don’t think it is that at all.

Humans have a need to feel supported and loved. And when you come across individuals who don’t understand that it’s a give and take process, what ends up happening is that one person gives so much that they get emotionally and often physically drained that it can cause all kind of problems. And it does actually in my experience cause you to learn how to adapt and be allergic to bullshit. I think then what happens is that the person gets jaded and angry. I know in my current situation that I have a hard time believing anything a man wishes to put out of his lips.  I am constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. And as of late there is always some shit on the bottom of that shoe when it does.

Brother Kanye had his heartbroken by a what I call “gold digging bitch” but there is some truth in what he is saying. We can be heartless, but it isn’t without a reason. I wish I could get men to understand that I don’t hate all men, I honestly just hate you until you give me reason not to. I do have a heart or I would not be standing in front of you, but it is protected.  I need you to show me better than before. I won’t take out my past on you, but I am very guarded and I am trying to find truth and love on the bottom of the shoe, not shit.

Thank you....

So, I don't always get blogger. And I just realized that some of you had commented on my blogs. So first of all let me say thank you for the kind remarks and questions you have asked. I also want to appologize for NOT repsonding until now.  I will be responding to your comments today, so go and check out what I have said. 

Heart Songs: New Beginnings Day 2

On Sunday, I had the pleasure to see this lovely lady above in concert for the fourth time. And I was reminded of the way I use to feel about meeting a new boy ( i use the term boy loosely). I remember the first time I heard this song and I was in love with someone, I can't remember who and I played this song over and over because I missed this person SOO much. It's funny how when you are young over night was a long time. You would rush to get ready for school the next morning because you would wanna get to school early so you could spend time with that person you were missing SO much while at home.

But at 33 this song has a different meaning. Boys have turned into Men and missing them is a whole different ordeal. Currently the object of my affections lives in a different time zone. As I type this it is 9pm where he lives. In an hour it will be 10pm. I sometimes forget this and call and wake him up. Or he texts me at 8 his time and I am still sleeping cause it's 7 here. There is no getting up and getting ready for work to go see him, or even seeing him when I get home from work, because he isn't just down the road or even a hour away, he is a PLANE ride away. Makes it hard when you are sick, or had a bad day and you just wanna be held. Some days I wonder if I really want to do this anymore.

But Janet reminded me that sometimes you have to be patient for what you want. We have been through so much and deciding to start over and leave the past behind was difficult, but the way I figure, if we can make it through this being a part, when we are together again, its gonna be that much more sweeet!! So I listen to this song and celebrate the feelings it invoke. But boy do I miss him much.

Heart Songs: New Beginnings-Day 1

Jacob called me today and said "babe I need you to do that thing you do where you say stuff and it calms me down." Then he proceeded to tell me why he needed to calm down. So I told him I loved him and that all the stuff he told me really wasn't that bad. And all I could think of was this song while I was talking to him. There are so MANY things in this world that cause us to panic. We as a society don't take the time to slow down and look at what we do have. Sure the current economic climate has everyone bummed, but I just mean do we look at the quality of our lives. I have been able to love with no boundaries. To meet people and to learn from them. To celebrate our existence.

I think what I was forgetting in my relationship with Jacob was that we all bring our past to the table. Some of us are still dealing with the past. And you shouldn't give up the things that are important to you, but you also have to remember that it is gonna take work to get where you want to go with that person. I never stopped and listened. I was TOO busy trying to make him into something he wasn't ready to be. I think a lot of the things that went wrong were my fault more than his, making a mountain out of a mole hill so to speak. It wasn't until I stepped away from the mess I created and saw what was really going on. Sure we should all be treated with respect, but what happens when WE as woman don't listen to what our br, partner, lover or whomever we let into our life is saying.

Jacob and I are in a place right now where we realize that we do "need" each other, but we don't know exactly what that means. And I think a few years ago I would have been in a panic about that. But its interesting when your ducks are starting to fall into place, how interesting the unknown and uncharted territory can be. I think what helps, and I can only speak for myself, is that I am in a better place emotionally and physically and just spiritually. I have let the past go and can only look at what is in front of me. I don't have time or the energy that it took to eat, sleep and breathe the past. I am "getting to my happy." 

Where I stand vs. Where I stood.

When you feel like you need to run away from something or someone, it is probably best that you do. I am a person who wants it all or needs to leave it alone. For too long I have shared a man with so many other things.  That it made me crazy.

I don’t listen to the voice in my head sometimes. And I think I cause myself more heart ache that way. I know that I should end this, stop being a willing participant, but I am already spread too thin and that thought would just break me in two.

Who am I without you? What was I before? I am afraid of the next, will you be to her what I wanted you to be to me. I gotta figure this out before I go crazy.

I don’t think he would really fight. I think he is tired to. Tired of my back and forth and up and down. Do I really love him or is it just his absence that I love. Because I know if he was standing in front of me I would be angry and sad. I would yell and scream as loud as I could but he would never hear me.

I am trying to find me. She is inside of there somewhere. Is it so hard to just move on, let the pain rip through me like a knife? I would be free then, I could watch my scares heal and scab over, itch and then heal good as new.

I do trust myself. I trust that my feelings will become whole again. I do need to do something cause this limbo I am in is just suffocating me.

I wanna know who I am without you. But something  keeps me hanging on. I hope that I can find that girl who is free and whole. But I don’t’ know.

Heart Songs: Songs to my Unborn Child Day 4

So I am a slacker. I have been SOOO focused on my weight loss tumblr blog fatdaysareover.tumblr.com that I haven't been paying attention to my Book of Songs. See this is what I do. I do so much stuff that I am so busy that stuff gets left out.  I am making a vow to my faithful 4 readers that I will try to do better. So as a extra special treat I offer you this video :)

Angel of Mine. I can imagine that this song will mean more to me once I have a little bundle of joy. But this song has always given me goose bumps. Monica has such a great voice and the love she talks about in this song is even greater. Babies are such a gift. I think I have always wanted to be someones mom. And its just so hard to not be able to just lay down and wake up with child.  So I dedicate this song to the angel that is still with God until its time for him or her ( i really hope its a her) is placed in my womb. 

I am coming back

Hello All,

I have been super busy working on stuff for my tryout for the Biggest Loser next month. I have also been training a lot with my trainer and just working out daily. So I haven't been in the writing mood. But don't worry. I promise that I will be back soon with more insightful post for my unborn unconcieved child soon. :)