In contemplating the recent failed relationship in my life I have wondered why I feel like such a failure as it relates to that relationship. For almost 8 years now I have been an active participant in a relationship that was most of time very one sided it seemed. I was the glue that held it together with no help from my partner. I struggle daily with accepting that the right decision is to move on because it is so familiar to me and in a moment of honest I realize that just like any other drug, I crave acceptance and feel the need to WIN this persons affections. I feel like I got an F on my report card, because I have been unable to make this relationship work. And as everything else in my life seems to be going so smoothly, this particular part of my life has never seemed to work or been very much a happy addition to my already blessed life. It is in this moment of honest that I find myself failing to really see the truth in the matter and it is making me want to once again change my mind and take back my decision. I am tired of the looks that people give me, and the statements that are made and just feeling like shit to be perfectly honest when any relationship is suppose to add to your life and lift you up. All I feel right now is regret and hurt surrounding this situation and I am unsure as to how to proceed with my life. I have a man that I deeply love to my core, who continues with his actions but not his words, to hurt me in ways that NO ONE should have to deal with. And I sit idle and stagnant waiting for him to change. If there is one thing I have learned from my career is that people are slow to change and after 8 years I am smart enough (but stupid to not want to deal with it) to know that he is going to continue to make the same choices and to hurt me. And the realization of that makes my heart break more.
I have always been a pretty simple girl who believes that even though relationships are complicated, the have very simple components that make them work. Boy and Girl meet, they talk and learn about each other and they either fall in love or they don’t. Love is the glue, communication is the foundation and the rest falls into place. If two people can’t meet in the middle then what do you have, nothing. My relationship failed because the communication failed in the beginning. What I wanted wasn’t what he wanted. To the outside world things looked different than they really were. I was living in fantasy land refusing to deal with what the truth really was. And now, 8 years later, the truth still stings like a fresh paper cut. As I replay the relationship over in my head I now realize that if I would have made one different decision my life would have been very different now, and maybe I wouldn’t be here nursing the heartache of the century. But I have to deal with the card I have been dealt and that is my personal Idaho.
A friend send me this quote today : "The dissolution of an intimate relationship is not necessarily a reflection of failure on any parties fault....it's the raising of a white flag either, mutually or independently, in an attempt to acknowledge one's inability to no longer compromise themselves or that other person in the relationship."
It’s funny how words can make you feel immediately better. I have carried this guilt around for SO LONG about wanting to leave my ex alone. I feel like I failed him because I promised that I would never leave him. But then I think about all the promises he made and how he has continuously broken them and broken me. It feels like my heart is being ripped into piece because it knows that this isn’t the best for it, but at the same time it has loved this person for so long that it’s hard to let go.
The last email I received from him was probably the most thoughtful one I feel. He said:
“Its not easy I always change your mind and we end up fighting again… You are talking about that you are gaining weight back and shit, what am I suppose to do? I love you I truly do but you really want to lose wight and I don’t want to stand in the way of that. I have hurt you enough already so I am letting you go so you can find the happiness you deserve.
Honestly hurts sometimes, but it’s the truth. He is letting me go. And I need to let myself off the hook. I didn’t fail. I gave it my very best try, and it didn’t work out and that is okay. It’s not about forgiving him anymore, it’s about forgiving myself and walking towards my future and what will be good for me and give me all the happiness I deserve.
I ask that my friends, those who love me and support me to be patient, because in this quest for self forgiveness and to begin to love myself again, there are going to be choices to be made that you may not necessarily agree with. I am going to make mistakes and say things I don’t mean and do things that you may not necessarily like, but know that I am going to try my hardest and dammnest to get over this hurdle and come out a beautiful butterfly on the other side. I hear your thoughtful concerns and cries for me and I take them to heart, each and everyone. But what I do ask is that you remember that until you have stood in my shoes, that you don’t understand what this is like for me. And until you love someone with your total core could you even begin to get what I am trying to do her. They say it takes half the amount of time to get over someone as you were with them, and if that is the case that I am going to spend the next 4 years dealing with this (please know that I don’t plan on taking that long) but be patient with me please. Because I am going to need you all now, more than ever.
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