Truth is that it was over ages ago. But we both kept pulling each other back and forth like that Cameo song. I kept playing with breaking up with him. I would get so angry and tell him to go fuck himself one day and then 7, 14, 21 or 30 day's later I would change my mind. I think the longest I went was six months once. Now looking back on it, it seems so stupid, such a waste of time, I could have been doing anything else. I thought maybe we could figure it out and work it out, but that wasn't the case. I am incapable of that anymore.
I could go into the million reasons why, and explain and ramble on and on, but its to late for all that now. So I chose Me, Myself and I today. Doesn't matter anymore why. What does matter is that I finally have gotten it through my thick skull that this isn't going to work. That he isn't my husband and that I don't need him in my life anymore.
For 3 hours today I cried. I cried so much that I gave myself a headache. And then I looked up and outside and I suddenly felt better. I don't know, it was like the control he had over me was gone. I flew out the window with the bee that scared the crap out of me. I think I realized that this was familiar to me and easy. I knew how to navigate this relationship and pretend that everything was okay. He checked out a year ago, stating that it's easy for him because I have been so back and forth over the past year that he knew this was coming eventually and that he was sorry that he couldn't make me happy the way I deserved to be happy. Which, I hate to admit there is some truth in that. Doesn't make it any easier though.
I think I finally heard what everyone else was trying to tell me. And maybe now I can get on with my life. I wanna thank everyone who has listen to me cry over the last 8 years. I know some of you have just gotten tired of me and this and I truly appreciate everything you have said or done. I think I have finally remembered those things that had gotten lost along the way.
XOXO
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