Dreaming

So this video is awesome for so many reasons, but my favorite reason is that it has the girl who played the lead in the movie "JUST ONE OF THE GUYS." One of my favorite 80's movies.  And how can you NOT love her hair in the video. But I digress.

My dreams are being invaded of my past love. The more I try to pull away the more my psyche pulls me closer. I feel like I am stuck, so willing to walk away, but still have my foot behind me attempting to turn around. It's still hard after 8 years to let go. And I mean I can't quite understand why at this point.  Year after year, the heart break that I have experienced should have sent me to the funny farm by now. I mean people look at me and say "why does she keep doing this to herself," "she deserves better than that," "doesn't she know her worth," "such low self esteem she has." But that isn't it.  I was always taught that you have to work at a relationship, the good the bad and the ugly. But this is just ludicrous right, because of the variables that play a role in this situation. But I have always looked past that and saw thing but my match. The other half of me. The complete part of my soul.

I close my eyes to sleep and a dream of a place where the variables are different. It's just me and him, no one else. There aren't all the wrenches that were throw into the pot. We are just two people in love who are fighting for the existence of our relationship. And it makes me quite sad, because that is a fantasy. Because all of the baggage is there. And how can I move forward if I don't understand what got me to this point in the first place.

I feel like my soul is being ripped apart. I spend to much time doing what other people want me to do. I need to focus on what is going to make me happy and what is going to make everyone else happy.  So that is what I am going to do.

So I am going to dream a little dream. And get my left foot to catch up to my right.