Reminiscing our love as I watch four seasons change

Fall.

Fall begin with truth slapping me in the face. It’s difficult when you finally figure out the shit that everyone else was trying to tell you but you were too fucking stupid silly in love to figure out for yourself. In my case I didn’t want to deal with it. Finding out that your boyfriend is just gonna keep getting everyone else pregnant but you is really a tough cookie to swallow. But let’s face it we only see what we want to see. I was determined to make this man mine forever. I mean who wouldn’t want to be with me for life or longer, I am amazing.  But what I couldn’t see was that there was NOTHING wrong with me. I hadn’t done anything wrong. I was doing EVERYTHING right. I was one of those girls who had just fallen in love with the wrong dude. I know I stayed about 1, 2 , 3  5 years to long, but it’s my nature. I think my sister hit it on the head a few weeks ago when she said that my mom always taught us to see the potential in people, you know what they could be. And every day I was with Jacob I saw what he could be. But there comes a point in your life where you can’t be someone’s potential. They have to want it for themselves.

Jacob is home this week and we have been hanging out. What I can’t get people to understand is that this was never about him NOT loving me or caring for me. What it is about is that he doesn’t know HOW to love and care for me the right way. My needs aren’t getting met in this relationship. And I tried to meet my needs and his needs at the same time and my poor soul has given out on me. It makes me sad because this man has been so much of my life for so long that I am having a hard time letting go. I can tell that he is to and neither of us knows what to do.

A really good friend at work today told me that I am going to have to be the one to walk away. That Jacob is going to hold on to me as long as he can and I will allow him. And what fucking hurt was that she is so right. If I leave this up to him, he would just keep me hanging on. But at this point I don’t know if I can hang on any longer. I don’t wanna spend the next 8 years of my life waiting for him to decide that I am the one or to change for me. I don’t want that responsibly anymore. You have to want to change for yourself.

So with this blog I am giving myself 4 seasons to change. I don’t wanna miss out on something special because I am still mourning the loss of this relationship in my life. So we begin with fall, I am going to let it die. As the leaves change and fall of the trees, my heart will start to put itself back together again.  I know this isn’t going to be easy, but I am just gonna take it one day at a time.

XOXO