The less I seek my source for some definitive

I haven't posted a blog all week. And while I sit on hold waiting for someone to answer my call I thought I would pound my fingers to the keyboard.

A friend had a line from Indigo Girls' "Closer To Fine" and it spung up in my soul setting it on fire. I had to contemplate this song for a few days just because I had never heard it before. But there was something that made me wanna listen. And once I did, I knew that this is song that salutes where I am in my journey to walk away. Each day I get closer to being fine with the way things are. I can't change the past, but I can define my future. Sure today and maybe tomorrow and the next day, I won't say I won't cry or call or wanna speak with him. But I know if a little while I won't have the urge so much. I won't watch my body go through withdrawl like a addict who is dextoxing from her drug of choice. I will just be fine.

This week has taught me that someone who can one minute make you as high as the clouds allow and then so angry at the same time isn't someone who should be trusted.  It's hard to have him here and to not want to spend every moment with him, trying, in my own little way to say good bye. To acclimate myself to the inevitable. But this is my journey and I can't let other define how I choose to deal with it. I wanna wrap my legs around him and hold him down and smack him till he gets it. But the thing is, I know he gets it. I know that he knows the love is there, but that just isn't enough anymore.

I have looked all over for the right answer. Answer will never come for me this way. I wish I would have figured that out 7 years ago. I always wanted to know why.. why this and why not that, but it doesn't matter. I need to just let go and let the process develop itself. One thing I do know is that I have to let go because I am just spinning my wheels in this spot and pretty soon I will have no rubber to do so.

So tonight I will lay my head next to his and remind myself that this is the last time. I will take the moment in and remember it for what it is, but with the remind that this doesn't change anything. And one day soon, I will be closer to fine