So together, so broken....

Week 2 isn’t going so well. There has been 2 emails and a numerous amount of text messages that have just left me more frustrated than solved anything. I feel like I am in the middle of the biggest divorce. Why am I holding on to these feelings? It’s not like we have assets we have to divide or a custody agreement to come up with. We just need to go in the opposite direction and run never taking the time to look back. But I am torn, into pieces. Parts of me are floating in the ether and I want to claim them back. I wish I could understand and grasp how someone just can hurt you so bad that your core splits and turns you into this crazy bubbling needed infant crazy person.

I refuse to cry anymore. I think after 8 years there are enough tears ingrained in to my brain and my pillow that it is just a waste of time to even put the effort in to form a tear.  But in the darkest moments of the night my mind trails off to a place where I don’t want it or need it to go. I sit there and wade in the pool of my despair and sadness.  I hate feeling like this, like I can’t live without him. I mean I have been for almost 2 years living without him. We haven’t lived in the same place for more than a few months since 2007. I for two years woke up most days alone without him at my side. SO what is the fucking difference?

My friend says that I need to experience this regret. To let is wash over me. I need to stop not experiencing things and trying to push it to the back recesses of my mind. But that is scary don’t you think. To give into the parts of yourself that you don’t want to see and to accept that you just weren’t what each other needed. I still find myself trying to get him to see it my way, to accept what I have accepted, to agree with how I feel about things, but he doesn’t. He continues to be silent. It makes me sad so sad.

I really wish that he could hear what my heart is saying. How he broke it in to. What it was like when I finally realized that this isn’t what I wanted. And how many times I change my mind on a daily basis. Its amazing sometimes what God does to make sure you understand. And I am tired of NOT listening to him.