Heart Songs; Day 10

How do you heal? What helps you heal? Is it a place you go and sit and let things go? Do you have a ritual burning of the relationship box and eat Noel's break up soup like on Felicity? Do you eat junk food until you puke? Do you cry till the blood vessels in your face?

Healing is a personal process. Only you can figure that out. I use to think that I could only cry once and be angry once and to shut down once. So I would take a day and lock myself in my room. Cry my eyes out and move on. But that isn't MY way, that was some one else's way. 

I can remember when me and my high school sweet heart broke up for the final time. I listened to Mazzy Star on repeat. With each repeat of the track I felt my power course through my veins. I had given up so much of my power that I was wiped out. I can remember falling down on my knees, with head burried in lap and tears streaming down my face thinking how could you not know how this was gonna play out. 

I know that I love hard and deeply. Even with people who are just my friends. I don't want to disappoint them or to hurt them. And I am the same with my relationships. I don't want it to NOT work because I then feel like I failed some how. I have spent the last year feeling like a failure. Like why couldn't I make this relationship work. What i failed to remember is that if the other person in the relationship doesn't want to be involved in it then it won't work.

So today I think Mazzy is speaking to me because how could I have not known that this man didn't want to be in a relationship with me. All the signs were there. But I just faded into the black and just kept living my life like nothing was wrong. I sometimes thing that I caused myself a prolonged sense of hurt when I should have just walked away.  

Truth is that I loved him more than I loved myself. And that is a tough lesson to learn.  I won't do that ever again.