Wake up call. I just love Maroon 5. Something about a sexy soul singing white man that just gets the juices flowing. Although this song could be a perfect rendition of my life a few years ago, minus finding the Mind Wrecker in my bed with someone else, the message is still the same. What was my wake up call. To be perfectly honest over the years I have had so many, but for the sake of this ditty we will stick to the last one.
I woke up one more and spent all day on craigslist trying to find some sort of proof that I could use to get out. I thought that if I could find some tangible proof that he wasn’t, slowing down, or trying to change his way, that I could use that as the “excuse” as why I broke it off with him. It couldn’t because I just gave up. Truthfully, that’s what it felt like, giving up. I wanted to do a jedi mind trick on myself.
SN: Tricking your mind is one thing, but I think sometimes we have certain people in our lives that we can’t just walk away from as easy as we can from others, especially when you have had a really charged, both emotionally and sexually, relationship with them. And looking back on all of it, there isn’t ANY thing I would change. I got to experience some pretty cool things while we were together. I moved to a whole other city, made new friends, worked for a grassroots organization, got more confident in my writing, and learned heaps about myself. But I digress…
So back to my PI work on CL. Craigslist showed me a few things. One that he was content on attempting to have a half-assed relationship with me, while exploring other, for the sake of keeping it pg-13 other avenues of his sexually journey. It wasn’t about cheating anymore; it was about lying and not telling the truth, which I guess is cheating too. But I wasn’t thinking of it in that way, especially when my health has now been put at stake. When confronted about what I found, I think I talked to the dial tone more than I did to him. It was like someone slapped me in the face, my Wakeup call if you will. I couldn’t think of a more perfect time to say all I needed to say and to walk away.
I can honestly say that after 3 months it was fine, but I wanted answers. So I attempted again to get them. It wasn’t what I wanted to hear, but it was honest. And I had to respect that. We have spent the last now year trying to find common ground. We continue to struggle with what we want to be to each other. Friendship was always the easy part, because even though he broke my heart, he for almost 8 years now is the one I could call and tell anything to. Many believe, maybe even some of you that I should have nothing to do with this fool, but my healing process is my own.
So my decision has been to keep him at bay. I don’t spend days trying to engage him in lengthy text message conversations, telephone conversations or even fb interactions. I have done all the work and I am done working for that. I hate that expression if you love something or someone let it go...but I think in some way it applies here. I can’t say that he won’t be lingering in the background, but I have to work on me. I need to be ready when my great love shows up.
What have I learned in all of this and want to share with you all out there ist to look for those signs earlier. Those things that alert you to the fact that someone may not be right for you. Cause love is a mutha and will catch you off guard and then you will be like my dumb ass chasing someone who clearly just thinks you are okay for the moment. And thinking back on it now, we should have never dated. There were so many signs early that I should have walked away before my feelings got involved. Now, I am real cut throat with men, which sometimes hurts their feelings, but that is the way life goes. I can’t spend another almost 8 years with someone who isn’t going where I am going. I thank Maroon 5 for getting me through, some days they really know how I feel. I can’t wait to see them July 2.
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