Heart Song: Day 8

My memory is cruel
Im queen of attention to details
Defending intentions if he fails
Until now, he told me her name
It sounded familiar in a way
I could have sworn i'd heard him say it ten thousand times
If only I had been listening

                    -Sarah Bareilles

I start today’s blog with that quote because last year this was me. I could remember ever detail of my relationship with the mind wrecker. Recalling dates and times, specifics. My brain was clouded with all that useless crap. I thought it was what made our relationship exist. But the fact is that it didn’t. I had made it up in my head. This dude was screaming every which way that he didn’t want to be confided into a relationship with me.  

One of the things that still is hard for me is that I remember those moments when we were alone and they were perfect.  So I spent a lot of time holding on to those memories and that is what allowed me to stay. I wasn't listening. 

When I heard this song for the first time like a flash the 60 different times he told me he didn’t want that with me ran through my brain. But what I couldn’t understand was why he still stuck around and “pretended” to love me.  But it’s hard for someone to love you when they don’t love themselves. It wasn’t really about the other girls, it was about the lie of it all. 

People are constantly asking me what I gained from my relationship with him. Well one thing I learned is that I am worth a hell of a lot.  And I have to be more patient and not to rush into things. I do like to watch people and see when they will show their true colors and I didn’t do that with him. I jumped right in head first and spent almost 8 years banging my head up against the wall. Another thing I think I learned is that there is all kind of love out there. You just have to decide what kind you want in your life. There is no doubt that in some warped way that fool loves me to this day. But it isn’t the kind of love I want to spend the rest of my life with.

My Mr. Right is out there. But I have to be ready for him. And I am just getting started.