Heart Songs: Day 25.

Sometimes I don't always have the words to say what I feel. And right now is one of those moments. I was at work today listening to my pandora and hear this song. I had forgotten that it even existed. But it's what I am feeling right now. The words say so perfectly what I feel in my heart. Dancing across my ears as if I spoke them myself. Hoping that he can hear them as I play them in my head phones. It's so hard to let go. One pulls the other pushes, its a teater totter game we play. 

I wish there was just a place i could go and sit for a few hours. Kinda like in Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind and have them erase all the memories and the good times and the laughter. This can't be healthy the way I am feeling. I have to be honest with myself and its time to move on but I feel like I am stuck in the mud. I keep making promises to visit, to call, but its hard. I pick up the phone and he's not there.  He's so fucked up he can't answer the phone. Who lives like that? I've been waiting for years, I am tired. 

I am so excited to see the 5 men who have put pen to paper and created a whole list of songs that speak to my very heart, but I am sad because I am still mending my heart. I keep trying to look forward but its soo hard to not look back.

Heart Song: Day 24

Misery.

mis·er·y/ˈmiz(ə)rē/Noun

1. A state or feeling of great distress or discomfort of mind or body.

2. A cause or source of great distress.
 

Web definitions

a state of ill-being due to affliction or misfortune; "the misery and wretchedness of those slums is intolerable"

a feeling of intense unhappiness; "she was exhausted by her misery and grief"

Gut wrenching throw yourself in front of the train type of feeling. I have seen that feeling. Felt it to my core. I don't wanna feel it every again. So I leave my misery on this page, with in the melodies of this Maroon 5 song. I am vowing to never me miserable again.   (if I can help it) And I am only going to live happy and healthy for the rest of my life. I can never let anything or anyone make me feel lower than low. I will not allow it to happen. Because the most important thing is loving myself. 

I never thought I would ever find my way back from that. When would I smile again, laugh again. But I did. And every pound that I lose and every day I wake up and live my life, its me staring misery in its face and saying HA you don't win today. I have so much to be thankful for and to live for. THANK GOD i finally figured that out.

Heart Songs Day 23

So in honor of the fact that this blogger is going to get to see MAROON 5 on Saturday. I have decided to use all Maroon 5 songs in my blogs this week. Adam and his crew of hotties have gotten me through most of my relationship with Jacob. In the high of their fame I have gotten and listened to OVER AND OVER all their albums. They are my salvation at times, the songs that always speak to my heart. They have helped me celebrate love, celebrate defeat, heal, and learn that somewhere deep inside is a healed soul just waiting to emerge. And I am terribly excited to see them, so much that I am going to sit at Summerfest ALL day just so I can be in the front row. But I digress... 

So if I had to pick a FAVORITE song this would be it. One it's beautifully written. Second its the perfect break up song. I think since it's come into existence I have listened to it when I was feeling pretty low and sad about whatever argument or fight that Jacob and I had. I totally get the feeling of okay I have had enough, but it still sucks laying here in bed along at night. (adam laying in bed in his undies is SOO hott by the way).  The world is heavy. And to have a relationship that is NO good on your back along with the heavy ass world can tear you apart. 


It sucks when you have to say goodnight to your relationship. I am still daily saying good bye. Walking away slowly dragging my feet. It's hard. I hope that things work out alright.

Heart Songs Day 22

So many times I define my pride
Through somebody else's eyes (La da da, la da)
Then I looked inside and found my own stride,
I found the lasting love for me
If I'm searching for my spirituality
Passionately I must begin with me

There's just me...
One is the magic number 

I couldn't think of any other way to say what I needed to say tonight. Right now it's just me. I have to love me and loving me starts with getting my ass into shape. God this is the hardest fucking think I have ever done. Today was one of those days where I am like I wanna just quit. This is to hard being all self-conscious all the time about what I am putting into my mouth. But is it any harder than being a fat slob. No cause being fat means carrying the weight around, hurting when I walk, not being able to breathe. And that right now is worse. 

So I channel Jill and remember that I need to love myself more than just wanting to be a "fat girl"

Heart songs Day 21

My heart is sad today. It longs for something that isn't there. I think Vanessa Carlton is totally appropriate today. She created an anthem that I have spent the past few years trying to make a reality. I lay here drunk with sadness. I miss him today more than I have in months and I don't know if I truely miss him or if the martini's are giving me the allusion that I do. But I vowed to be honest and I hate that he moved away.

Heart Songs Day 21

I love Adele. It is like she hears my heart across the Atlantic. I had forgotten about this song until i popped up on my pandora today. This is the type of song I would put on repeat until I couldn't stand it anymore. I don't like the way this song makes me hurt in places that I only let a few in. I keep asking myself why did he leave me.  This song touches on all those questions that you never get to ask when you are left standing in the middle of your street crying watching who you thought the love of your life drive away in his 1997 Black Jetta.

I could go on and on trying to figure out why he left. But it doesn't matter, he did. So now what am I going to do? I am going to get better. I am going to work on me. I don't have to figure out what his deal is anymore, its not even worth it. I want someone who NO matter what would never leave me. 

Heart Songs Day 20

Its a two for one night. Pink is my FAVORITE Girl Rocker. She always tells it like it is. And after the day I have had. I needed to hear her. I was driving home. Raise your glass came on the radio and I was jamming so hard that I didn't realize the light had changed....oops. Sometimes we all need to be reminded that NO matter how we look or feel that we are all awesome for those things that we feel make us less than. I think sometimes in life we can lose ourselves and forget that God made us the way we are and that we should be blessed in that. As long as we are living up to our potential then nothing should matter.

I spent the last 15 years of my life slipping away slowly from my potential. As the weight came on, I became so introverted. My light stopped shinning. I let myself get so wrapped up in bullshit that I had NO business being apart of. And when I realized what had happened, it was already to late. I was almost 300lbs overweight, sad, in a relationship that was not healthy and had lost all of my friends. I think they call it hitting rock bottom.

I have spent the last year digging myself out of that grave. Changing my life, making decision for ME and not worry about what other people think. I took my own life back. I started to show up to my own life. And I have never felt better. I raise my glass proudly and accept my flaws and imperfections. I am never giving up again. Thanks Pink for reminding me of this today :)

Heart Song: Day 19

I heard this song tonight and I couldn't help but post it. It's amazing to me what thoughts a song can put into your head. I use to think that I would wait forever for love. Just like this guy who said he wasn't moving. I use to think that he would wake up and miss me. And maybe he does. But that isn't enough anymore.

I got moves to make and places I wanna go. And I want someone at my side who doesn't have those things in the way (my ex has 5 kids, 3 different baby mommas and a whole lot of emotional problems that NO ONE  should have to deal with). But that's the problem when you try to love someone unconditionally. You accept them as they are, not as you want them to be. But may that's what got me into this mess in the first place. Maybe I should expect more in the beginning and stop settling. Thinking that things will get better or he will change. That attitude has clearly made it so I sleep alone every night. 

While this is a great song to listen to, I can't feed into the bullshit that it feeds me anymore. People don't really ever feel this way do they? I haven't met anyone...

Addendum:

Addendum. This is how I feel in a sad sort of way. I feel like I am climbing the totem pole and stuff is ever changing. I am getting my Jeffersons' kind of life.  And you just are stuck. Angry. Song is Angry.

Heart Song: Day 18

Let's talk about the future for a minute. In my near future is some sort of weight loss. Whether we are talking about my weigh in on Wednesday, or the 15 more lbs I am going to lose by July 31, or the total amount of 204 I have left to lose. I am going to keep on losing and pushing and losing until I have shed my "two very skinny 102 lb white girls" off of me. So in honor of that weight loss, I give you Olivia Newton John's "Physical." 

More often than not the physical is what people see first. Even tho everyone one says its personality, its what they see. You can't help it. People decided whether or not if they want to be your friend by how you physically look. Men can decide how they will treat you by the way you physically look.  I truely never understood that until I started loosing the weight. I see how men look at me differently now. They flirt a little longer. They try a little harder.

Don't get me wrong. I don't believe that men are gonna start instantly just liking me cause I get all hot and stuff, cause I am beautiful inside and out already, but what I am saying that I am digging some of this attention that my weight loss has brought me. It seems to make me more confident and I smile more, or at least that is what I have been told. But its made me recognize that the reason why I look better to the world is because I am taking CARE of myself better. And its not so much about the weight loss, but about the self-esteem gained. 

So the world better watch out. Who knows what will happen when I get to that next goal, or the goal after that. :)

SN: The mid-wrecker has NEVER acknowledge my weight loss. I constantly have people telling me how great I look and asking me how I did it. My trainer even said "you are an inspiration now." But the one person in the world who I want to notice acts like it doesn't matter. And THAT is something that I have to let go. He wants me to be unhappy, he wants me to stay the same because if I change then I will see him in a different light, and he doesn't want that. He wants to tear me down. I can no long participate in that, I am ready to save my life.

So when I want to give up or quit I just think of Ms Olivia Newton John. And plow right through that workout. :) 

Heart Song: Day 17

I don't have much to say tonight. Other than I am annoyed. I gotta stop figuratively cutting myself. Re opening the wound is not what I am suppose to be doing. Now I have to sew it back up. My its the watching it heal part that I get off on. Watching the scar form, picking at it a little. Toying with the idea of going back. Of calling him and saying, can't we work this out. I can do the distance, just don't ever leave me.  But that would be a stupid thing to do. 

I just wanna wake up and it be OVER. The feelings washed away in the surf. My heart pieces put back together. The scar completely gone. I wanna feel like myself again. Not a sniffling idiot who's crying over someone who doesn't think twice about her. Why waste the energy. I could be knitting or something. I get angry. I pounded it out in the gym. I see his face as push through my work outs. Thinking I am doing this for me, this will make me whole again. 

I hope tomorrow is better.

Heart Songs Day: 13,14,15, and 16.

So, with my vacation I had planned for 6 MONTHS. I got a little behind in my posting. For those of you that wait patiently each day for my post I apologize. I have spent the last 3 days in Chicago re-living a part of my past that I wish was still my present. But I also got to see one of the most OUTSTANDING concerts I think I have seen in a LONG time. It's true when they say men only get better with age, cause those damm New Kids and BSB  men were working it on that stage. So it is in their honor I write this blog.

While I was watching them perform I hit by the mack trust that is my brain in remembering why I like them both so much Their songs speak to me. Every emotion that I have ever felt has been induced by a melody or a lyric. I was standing there and watching my emotions dance across the stage being sung by the very men who help me learn how to identify with music that could help repair my soul. 

This song made me think about Jacob for 10 minutes after they sang it. And then my stupid phone pocket dialed him so I think he has about 10 mins of the song below and me screaming on his voice mail. 

 

It sucks when you are lonely. I am learning to deal with it, but it is still hard. I am so happy they sang this song cause I have never heard it live, but it still made me sad. I felt like when I was standing there I was leaving my old life and reaching towards my new. It was if they put their songs in this order to help me let go of all the bullshit as I watched the 120 minute concert unfold and when they got to the next song I just about keeled over and died. 

So, this songs lyrics have to be the most real account of what happened in my mind. Every time I hear it my skin crawls cause I remember all the promises he made to me. But last night something changed in me. I felt all that anger and hatred explode into the air as loud as the concerts pyrotechnics. I felt free.

The last song is an odd one. Incomplete is how I use to feel. I did try to go on like I never knew him. I was awake but my world was half asleep. But now I am awake in this world, ever present and existing. I don't have to pretend I didn't know him and he was all apart of my journey. And I am grateful for that.

Who would have thought that going to see them would give me so much clarity and purpose. I have been reborn :) Let the healing light keep shining on me till my heart is whole again.

Heart Songs: Day 12

Numb. That's how I feel. Emotions shooting from everyone but me. I smile. I nod I laugh, but its all fake. I can't let people in anymore. It's to exhausting to me.  Can't you see me hurting over here. Leave me in my space of darkness. I don't like the light anymore. I count on my fingers how many days have past since we last spoke and its more than one hand. It means that you have already forgotten about me. What happen to the days when you would always call at 1130. I can't hear other peoples relationship problems with out thinking at least you HAVE a relationship. I find that I listen just be nice, but not cause I want to.

Iris makes me feel okay with how my heart feels right now. The truth is I do care about other people and how their relationships are going, but the hurt that is trying to consume my soul makes me feel those thoughts above. It's like the song says, "I don't want the world to see me, cause I don't think they will understand." Davette isn't always nice, she isn't always happy. She cries and screams and wishes she wasn't alone, but out of this solitude will come something great. 

I am learning so much about myself and what I want to be within this world and sometimes you can't figure that shit out until you are truly alone. I know that I have people on my side and if I need to lean on them I can, but for now I walk alone. I have to find myself again.

Heart Songs: Day 11

Tonight we take break from the songs. Although this video has an AWESOME song in it, it is something that I made. It was my first project for my production and editing class at Columbia. The script that I wrote for it impressed my classmates so much that I made me produce this one. I would have rather made a little ditty about my cat. But I digress.

In this 5 minute video I summed up 3 years of feelings. It was the hardest thing I had ever had to do. I thought it would make him see. I mean who has their relationship immortalized in a video. Not many can say that they do. 

I can remember when it was done showing it to him. And he said nothing. No comment, not good job, no nothing. It broke my heart. I cried in the bathroom that night. I didn't want him to see that he had hurt me. I guess this was a fail attempt to get him to really SEE ME. But if you can't see yourself, then how is someone else gonna see you. 

What I did learn from making this video is that at times, and certainly not today cause I feel like I am babbling, I have a way with words. I can make them dance on a page like fairies twinkling in the moonlight. I can evoke emotion through images and sounds. I have a talent. I have never been as happy as I am when I am creating video, or producing a show, or writing a scene. 

Even though the subject makes me quite sad now, I was truly impressed with myself. And my ability to create and freeze one of the happiest moments in my life. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did enjoy creating it.

Heart Songs: Day 10

Seasons Change. I think I actually remember when this song came out. I was a big Expose fan growing up. It's to bad they didn't last. I wonder where they all are now. Theme of their songs were all sadness. I find that I have always been attracted to songs that talk about sadness. I guess that could be because I have spent most of my life sad about something. I find comfort in them. A place I could go and sit and just watch the world around me wiz by. 

What is important about this song is that they talk about how things CHANGE. Change is scary for most people. I tend to freak out when things change, even if they are for the better. I want everything to be the same all the time. Currently I am freaking out about how my body is changing. Everyday something looks different, a part that use to be bulging is now flat. I can see my belly button as it was hidden before. I can do more on this machine or I can walk up this flight of stairs. Its amazing, but I am stuck in a place where I can't enjoy it much. 

As I was contemplating this blog today, I thought about all the seasons that have come and gone and all the things that I have changed. I changed where I lived. I changed the people I associate with. I have changed jobs and most of all I have changed myself. I am growing more confident with each day. I am stronger and a fighter. I love myself a little bit more and him a little bit less. But the biggest thing I have changed is my outlook on life. I am tired of watching it pass me by. 

So this song isn't sad to me anymore but a celebration of that journey you take to transform your life. And I can only go up from here!

Heart Songs; Day 10

How do you heal? What helps you heal? Is it a place you go and sit and let things go? Do you have a ritual burning of the relationship box and eat Noel's break up soup like on Felicity? Do you eat junk food until you puke? Do you cry till the blood vessels in your face?

Healing is a personal process. Only you can figure that out. I use to think that I could only cry once and be angry once and to shut down once. So I would take a day and lock myself in my room. Cry my eyes out and move on. But that isn't MY way, that was some one else's way. 

I can remember when me and my high school sweet heart broke up for the final time. I listened to Mazzy Star on repeat. With each repeat of the track I felt my power course through my veins. I had given up so much of my power that I was wiped out. I can remember falling down on my knees, with head burried in lap and tears streaming down my face thinking how could you not know how this was gonna play out. 

I know that I love hard and deeply. Even with people who are just my friends. I don't want to disappoint them or to hurt them. And I am the same with my relationships. I don't want it to NOT work because I then feel like I failed some how. I have spent the last year feeling like a failure. Like why couldn't I make this relationship work. What i failed to remember is that if the other person in the relationship doesn't want to be involved in it then it won't work.

So today I think Mazzy is speaking to me because how could I have not known that this man didn't want to be in a relationship with me. All the signs were there. But I just faded into the black and just kept living my life like nothing was wrong. I sometimes thing that I caused myself a prolonged sense of hurt when I should have just walked away.  

Truth is that I loved him more than I loved myself. And that is a tough lesson to learn.  I won't do that ever again.

Heart Songs: Day 9

I ain't missing you at all. The lonely hearts anthem. And tonight my heart is lonely. I sometimes feel like I am just standing in a crowd of people and they are just all running around and living life without me. I have so much to celebrate but I feel like I am stuck. 

So tonight I am going to get lost in this song. Maybe even cry a little. Its always so hard to say goodbye and I constantly feel like I am saying good bye.

Heart Song: Day 8

My memory is cruel
Im queen of attention to details
Defending intentions if he fails
Until now, he told me her name
It sounded familiar in a way
I could have sworn i'd heard him say it ten thousand times
If only I had been listening

                    -Sarah Bareilles

I start today’s blog with that quote because last year this was me. I could remember ever detail of my relationship with the mind wrecker. Recalling dates and times, specifics. My brain was clouded with all that useless crap. I thought it was what made our relationship exist. But the fact is that it didn’t. I had made it up in my head. This dude was screaming every which way that he didn’t want to be confided into a relationship with me.  

One of the things that still is hard for me is that I remember those moments when we were alone and they were perfect.  So I spent a lot of time holding on to those memories and that is what allowed me to stay. I wasn't listening. 

When I heard this song for the first time like a flash the 60 different times he told me he didn’t want that with me ran through my brain. But what I couldn’t understand was why he still stuck around and “pretended” to love me.  But it’s hard for someone to love you when they don’t love themselves. It wasn’t really about the other girls, it was about the lie of it all. 

People are constantly asking me what I gained from my relationship with him. Well one thing I learned is that I am worth a hell of a lot.  And I have to be more patient and not to rush into things. I do like to watch people and see when they will show their true colors and I didn’t do that with him. I jumped right in head first and spent almost 8 years banging my head up against the wall. Another thing I think I learned is that there is all kind of love out there. You just have to decide what kind you want in your life. There is no doubt that in some warped way that fool loves me to this day. But it isn’t the kind of love I want to spend the rest of my life with.

My Mr. Right is out there. But I have to be ready for him. And I am just getting started.

 

 

Heart Song: Day 7

Tori Amos's Little Earthquakes was probably the first CD my friend Li ever let me borrow. I was this very confused little teenager attempting to find some understanding in my world.  Being a teenager can be a frightening thing and especially if you have just decided to become sexual active.  Leather made me feel like I had gotten my power back. At that age, I thought what she was saying is that, well its okay that you don't love me. The leather represented strength that allowed me to walk with my head held high.

Today at 33 I think there is something to having control over your own body and who you let into your temple.  I think we all are such in a rush to love someone body that we give them a peek at it to soon thinking that they will stick around and worship in it. I can say that I have been one of those women from time to time. Giving it all away on the front end and watching it fizzle out just as fast as it started.

A really good friend of mine is walking down her own path to a better and awesome life and she chose to forgo any types of sexual or dating relationships while she is doing this. I applaud her for what I do not feel i can not do but I feel I need to try. Truely it is my path to salvation and to healing. I wanna lock it up and throw away the key for now, or maybe put it in a wall safe. I am taking back my leather. I am alone here and that is okay. I am gonna come out better on the other side.

Heart Song: Day 6

Wake up call. I just love Maroon 5. Something about a sexy soul singing white man that just gets the juices flowing.  Although this song could be a perfect rendition of my life a few years ago, minus finding the Mind Wrecker in my bed with someone else, the message is still the same.  What was my wake up call. To be perfectly honest over the years I have had so many, but for the sake of this ditty we will stick to the last one.

I woke up one more and spent all day on craigslist trying to find some sort of proof that I could use to get out. I thought that if I could find some tangible proof that he wasn’t, slowing down, or trying to change his way, that I could use that as the “excuse” as why I broke it off with him. It couldn’t because I just gave up. Truthfully, that’s what it felt like, giving up. I wanted to do a jedi mind trick on myself.

SN: Tricking your mind is one thing, but I think sometimes we have certain people in our lives that we can’t just walk away from as easy as we can from others, especially when you have had a really charged, both emotionally and sexually, relationship with them.  And looking back on all of it, there isn’t ANY thing I would change. I got to experience some pretty cool things while we were together. I moved to a whole other city, made new friends, worked for a grassroots organization, got more confident in my writing, and learned heaps about myself. But I digress…

So back to my PI work on CL. Craigslist showed me a few things. One that he was content on attempting to have a half-assed relationship with me, while exploring other, for the sake of keeping it pg-13 other avenues of his sexually journey. It wasn’t about cheating anymore; it was about lying and not telling the truth, which I guess is cheating too. But I wasn’t thinking of it in that way, especially when my health has now been put at stake.  When confronted about what I found, I think I talked to the dial tone more than I did to him. It was like someone slapped me in the face, my Wakeup call if you will. I couldn’t think of a more perfect time to say all I needed to say and to walk away.

I can honestly say that after 3 months it was fine, but I wanted answers. So I attempted again to get them. It wasn’t what I wanted to hear, but it was honest. And I had to respect that.  We have spent the last now year trying to find common ground. We continue to struggle with what we want to be to each other. Friendship was always the easy part, because even though he broke my heart, he for almost 8 years now is the one I could call and tell anything to.  Many believe, maybe even some of you that I should have nothing to do with this fool, but my healing process is my own.

So my decision has been to keep him at bay. I don’t spend days trying to engage him in lengthy text message conversations, telephone conversations or even fb interactions. I have done all the work and I am done working for that. I hate that expression if you love something or someone let it go...but I think in some way it applies here. I can’t say that he won’t be lingering in the background, but I have to work on me. I need to be ready when my great love shows up.

What have I learned in all of this and want to share with you all out there ist to look for those signs earlier. Those things that alert you to the fact that someone may not be right for you. Cause love is a mutha and will catch you off guard and then you will be like my dumb ass chasing someone who clearly just thinks you are okay for the moment. And thinking back on it now, we should have never dated. There were so many signs early that I should have walked away before my feelings got involved. Now, I am real cut throat with men, which sometimes hurts their feelings, but that is the way life goes. I can’t spend another almost 8 years with someone who isn’t going where I am going. I thank Maroon 5 for getting me through, some days they really know how I feel. I can’t wait to see them July 2.

Heart Song: Day 5

No, it's not the Cure. Although the Cure version is quite lovely. I posted the Adele version because that is the version that sparked my brain to want to post this little diddy. She is amazing, don't you think. I mean the song was always very stripped down when the cure sang it, but her simplicity sends chills up my spin at 730am. (That was about the time it came across my pandora Light's Ellie Goulding play list. And it got me to thinking about how love is pure and stripped down.

I can remember the first time I fell in love. It was on a playground. Summer before Freshman Year in HS. It was my very first Guess Who's Coming to Dinner  moment.  His name, was Joe. He played baseball. When he kissed me my toe's tingle. I thought we would be together forever. And we were, until his mother found out and forbade him to see me. I was heartbroken. I never thought I would get over it. But days faded into weeks and weeks into months and then I was off to my next conquest. 

So why is it now. I am stuck in this pattern of baldness I have affectionately called the pit of despair. Why can't those day's turn into week, weeks turn in to months, and months turn in to years. Have I forgotten how stripped down love can be. I think we make love complex and that is when things start to go a muck. People who get it right keep it simple. Keeping the complex world outside.  

I mean I could be wrong.

Heart Song: Day 4

Perhaps my favorite of Janet songs, The Pleasure Principle is a song that I have always come back to when I am feeling a particular woe in a relationship. It always seems to apply to a number of situations, and is just a darn good.

I think Janet was on to something when she was saying that we go on this ride, and men try to sell themselves to you in the beginning take you on all kinds of twist and turns, but then for some reason it stops. I guess that is how you judge the boys from the men. 

I have yet to meet a man. Someone who is willing to put in the work day in and day out, as I am willing too. I guess it's because I am a overachiever. I go hard or go home. And lately the men I have been meeting always lead me to listening to this song when it is all said and done. 

I wanna be inspired. I wanna reach and grab stars and hand them to you and have you get so excited that you can contain yourself. I wanna make you blush and smile and laugh till milk comes out of your nose. I wanna be able to lay in the bed with you and rub your head and not have you freak out because I am touching you. I wanna grow upward and expand. 

Janet talks about part time bliss. And I think that is what I keep getting. It starts out good, but then after the new-ness wears off, it drizzles away. It's like what Carrie says on SATC, where's the sparkle. I am preparing for someone to sparkle their life away for me. I am learning to spot the duds.  

Heart Song: Day 3

I was sitting at home today with an old friend and this video came on tv. And it made me giggle at first because of the crazy big ROCK hair, and the skinny white lady dressed in white and you could see her thong. And the way she was dancing and tossing her uber permed blonde hair around trying to entice the lead singer of Whitesnake. It just so... to me. I could help but giggle.

But as I continued to watch and the music came foward as the video faced to the background, I was reminded of what a deep song this power ballad of my youth was. He is asking the ultimate question..."Is this love?"

I mean how do you really know. The media paints this picture of what love should be and some of us spend our lives chasing that dream created with some good lighting and a awesome writing staff.  It can all be quite exhausting. 

I spent seven years trying to figure out the very answer to that question. And in the end I still never got what the answer was. I think we spend most of our lives answering that question in some small way, shape or form. Love is what you make of it. What you put in you hope to get back, sometimes you don't get everything, sometimes you get more than you want. 

What is important I think for me right now is HOW you love. How is people remember you when you leave. What did you leave your love on. Nothing is promised in this life, so you gotta just keep on loving. And I have vowed to keep on love myself and those around me. 

I just gotta do a better job of who get's all my love. I think the lead singer of Whitesnake for reminding me of that.

Heart Song: Day 2

So all day I was surrounded by crying. A mbr's crying at work. A friend's crying about having to run all these errands before wisking away with her baby daddy and son to visit his family, and some of my own crying. And it got me to thinking about the fact that I haven't really cried.

Some might think that above statement not to be true. Because the fact I have done a WHOLE LOT of crying. Just ask my friend Cookie, who I think has heard most of the crying over the past 3 or 4 years. You would think I would be done crying from all the crying I am done. But that was just breaking through the thick layer of pain that was surrounding in my 477lbs., body at the time. It wasn't until I begun to break through that shell was when I was really able to cry.

So for the past year I have been slowing beginning to chip away at that shell.  And I think for the rest of my life, even when the physical chipping is done, the metaphysical one will carry on.

So today's heart song celebrates what I will NOT be crying about because let's face it, that layer is long gone. 
                                                                                                                                                                                                                 

Heart Song: Day 1

Keep me Hanging On- Kim Wilde

It would take a kids movie to make me re-evaluate my life. It has to be something to what your heart feels as it relates to a song. Music has always been important to me. A way to express how I am feeling when I don't have quite the appropriate words. I had a friend who was moving away call me and say, could you make me some CD's for my drive. For some reason or another he thinks I make the best mix Cd's. So I got to thinking what if I spent the next how ever many months making one massive mix cd that could help me heal my heart.

See the guy I made the mix CD's for is someone who The Single Woman would refer to as my Mr. Big. Sure he wasn't all rich and fancy like the Chris Noth character from SATC, but he was what that archetype symbolizes. And I think I have spent twice the amount of time trying to get over him as we were actually together. And something dawned on me after reading The Single Woman's column the other day that rocked my world enough that for the first time in months I cried myself to sleep.

 I have so much transformation going on in my life. In about a years time I have lost almost 70 lbs. I have a great job and I am trying to work towards so many things that will make my life so much richer, that I need to leave this last bad habit behind. I can't hang on to this ONE thing that is holding me back and being able to become my true authentic self. So I need to just transcend this one little thing and I know I will be all right!

So I have come up with a plan. Everyday, for how long it takes I will sing my heart song. Just like the penguins in Happy Feet. I will take it one day at a time and try to find that awesome, sexy, fierce woman that is hiding in side, that go locked away running behind her Mr. Big. I will use this outlet to begin to heal, live, love and let go. I will create my own personal mix cd, filled with joy and pain, but mostly love. Relationships are difficult and sometimes hard to get over, but in the end, when my book of songs is complete. I will be free and whole again :) 

Today's song filled my heart because he called me today. On the road off to his NEW life with out me in it. I don't think its much to ask that my mate generally chooses to be in the same place that I am, but he didn't he choose to move away. I have accepted it, but what he doesn't accept is that I can't talk to him. My promise to myself is that once he gets where he is going to cease all contact. I hope I can keep that promise to myself.