What I wish you would say.

So New Edition is what started my obsession with boy bands. And like NKOTBSB they have stood the test of time. This song isn't quite 20 years old yet, but it is nostalgic nonetheless.

I wish this is what he would say to me. I wish I could wake up tomorrow and all that bad things were erased and that we were just a boy and a girl who were trying to make it. I wish things weren't complicated by infidelity and a Maury Povich episode number of baby mommas and kids running around. I wish there weren't so many lies that I can't tell what the truth is anymore. I wish I would have walked away on that September night when he said that I shouldn't love him. But all of that will still be there, no matter how many times I close my eyes and wish.

Why is this so difficult? I guess it wouldn't be worth it if it was easy. I can only come out stronger on the other side. But like the song says, "I just need one more day." And tomorrow is that and the last day.

Reminiscing our love as I watch four seasons change

Fall.

Fall begin with truth slapping me in the face. It’s difficult when you finally figure out the shit that everyone else was trying to tell you but you were too fucking stupid silly in love to figure out for yourself. In my case I didn’t want to deal with it. Finding out that your boyfriend is just gonna keep getting everyone else pregnant but you is really a tough cookie to swallow. But let’s face it we only see what we want to see. I was determined to make this man mine forever. I mean who wouldn’t want to be with me for life or longer, I am amazing.  But what I couldn’t see was that there was NOTHING wrong with me. I hadn’t done anything wrong. I was doing EVERYTHING right. I was one of those girls who had just fallen in love with the wrong dude. I know I stayed about 1, 2 , 3  5 years to long, but it’s my nature. I think my sister hit it on the head a few weeks ago when she said that my mom always taught us to see the potential in people, you know what they could be. And every day I was with Jacob I saw what he could be. But there comes a point in your life where you can’t be someone’s potential. They have to want it for themselves.

Jacob is home this week and we have been hanging out. What I can’t get people to understand is that this was never about him NOT loving me or caring for me. What it is about is that he doesn’t know HOW to love and care for me the right way. My needs aren’t getting met in this relationship. And I tried to meet my needs and his needs at the same time and my poor soul has given out on me. It makes me sad because this man has been so much of my life for so long that I am having a hard time letting go. I can tell that he is to and neither of us knows what to do.

A really good friend at work today told me that I am going to have to be the one to walk away. That Jacob is going to hold on to me as long as he can and I will allow him. And what fucking hurt was that she is so right. If I leave this up to him, he would just keep me hanging on. But at this point I don’t know if I can hang on any longer. I don’t wanna spend the next 8 years of my life waiting for him to decide that I am the one or to change for me. I don’t want that responsibly anymore. You have to want to change for yourself.

So with this blog I am giving myself 4 seasons to change. I don’t wanna miss out on something special because I am still mourning the loss of this relationship in my life. So we begin with fall, I am going to let it die. As the leaves change and fall of the trees, my heart will start to put itself back together again.  I know this isn’t going to be easy, but I am just gonna take it one day at a time.

XOXO

The less I seek my source for some definitive

I haven't posted a blog all week. And while I sit on hold waiting for someone to answer my call I thought I would pound my fingers to the keyboard.

A friend had a line from Indigo Girls' "Closer To Fine" and it spung up in my soul setting it on fire. I had to contemplate this song for a few days just because I had never heard it before. But there was something that made me wanna listen. And once I did, I knew that this is song that salutes where I am in my journey to walk away. Each day I get closer to being fine with the way things are. I can't change the past, but I can define my future. Sure today and maybe tomorrow and the next day, I won't say I won't cry or call or wanna speak with him. But I know if a little while I won't have the urge so much. I won't watch my body go through withdrawl like a addict who is dextoxing from her drug of choice. I will just be fine.

This week has taught me that someone who can one minute make you as high as the clouds allow and then so angry at the same time isn't someone who should be trusted.  It's hard to have him here and to not want to spend every moment with him, trying, in my own little way to say good bye. To acclimate myself to the inevitable. But this is my journey and I can't let other define how I choose to deal with it. I wanna wrap my legs around him and hold him down and smack him till he gets it. But the thing is, I know he gets it. I know that he knows the love is there, but that just isn't enough anymore.

I have looked all over for the right answer. Answer will never come for me this way. I wish I would have figured that out 7 years ago. I always wanted to know why.. why this and why not that, but it doesn't matter. I need to just let go and let the process develop itself. One thing I do know is that I have to let go because I am just spinning my wheels in this spot and pretty soon I will have no rubber to do so.

So tonight I will lay my head next to his and remind myself that this is the last time. I will take the moment in and remember it for what it is, but with the remind that this doesn't change anything. And one day soon, I will be closer to fine

I sometimes think that Adam is in side of my head.

I am having trouble sleeping tonight. So I decided to put on the Maroon Five playlist on Pandora. I swear besides being extremely attractive that Adam Levine has a song for every situation.

Song 1:  Makes me Wonder

Now. I don't know what secret he is talking about. But I know that I do not believe in you anymore. I am way off track, not even close to where I thought I would be at almost 34 years old. Wasted years on a promise of nothing. It does make ME wonder. It's funny after all these years that I still wonder if you loved me. I still don't believe it, because it just doesn't make sense that after all this time you still keep doing the same stupid shit. So I don't have a reason or the time.

Song 2: Misery

I did something stupid tonight. I called him. IDK why. The impending arrive of his person has rocked my body to the core. And I have made a choice that I now have to live with. How come the right choices always suck. It's like when I decided to lose weight or to stop drinking regular soda, or giving up drinking, this shit is hard. You wanna be mature about things, and say those things that you think you should say. You wanna have that moment when you sit back to back not looking at each other and say everything that is in your heart, but you know you shouldn't do that. But you are compelled. I just wanted to see if he would answer, and it sent me in a downward spiral. Because once again you are realizing that you aren't important and burns into your soul that you never were.

Song 3: Leave This Bed-please refer to last night's blog.

Song 4:  She Will Be Loved

Song title says it all. I will be loved. I am loved. I love myself and that is what is allowing me to move on. This isn't love. This is some sort of torture that I have decided to subject myself to for whatever dumb reason. It's gotta stop.

Song 5:  Goodnight, Goodnight

I have to use Adam's words;
So much to love
So much to learn
But I won’t be there to teach you, oh
I know I can be close
But I try my best to reach you

I’m so sorry, I did not mean to hurt my little girl
It's beyond me, I cannot carry the weight of a heavy world
So goodnight, goodnight, goodnight, goodnight
Goodnight, goodnight, goodnight, goodnight
Goodnight, goodnight, goodnight, goodnight
Goodnight, hope that things work out all right, yeah
Whoa, oh…
Yeah

And with that it ends. 

Take it, Take it all, Take all that I have.....



In contemplating the recent failed relationship in my life I have wondered why I feel like such a failure as it relates to that relationship. For almost 8 years now I have been an active participant in a relationship that was most of time very one sided it seemed. I was the glue that held it together with no help from my partner. I struggle daily with accepting that the right decision is to move on because it is so familiar to me and in a moment of honest I realize that just like any other drug, I crave acceptance and feel the need to WIN this persons affections. I feel like I got an F on my report card, because I have been unable to make this relationship work. And as everything else in my life seems to be going so smoothly, this particular part of my life has never seemed to work or been very much a happy addition to my already blessed life.  It is in this moment of honest that I find myself failing to really see the truth in the matter and it is making me want to once again change my mind and take back my decision. I am tired of the looks that people give me, and the statements that are made and just feeling like shit to be perfectly honest when any relationship is suppose to add to your life and lift you up. All I feel right now is regret and hurt surrounding this situation and I am unsure as to how to proceed with my life.  I have a man that I deeply love to my core, who continues with his actions but not his words, to hurt me in ways that NO ONE should have to deal with. And I sit idle and stagnant waiting for him to change. If there is one thing I have learned from my career is that people are slow to change and after 8 years I am smart enough (but stupid to not want to deal with it) to know that he is going to continue to make the same choices and to hurt me.  And the realization of that makes my heart break more.

I have always been a pretty simple girl who believes that even though relationships are complicated, the have very simple components that make them work. Boy and Girl meet, they talk and learn about each other and they either fall in love or they don’t. Love is the glue, communication is the foundation and the rest falls into place. If two people can’t meet in the middle then what do you have, nothing. My relationship failed because the communication failed in the beginning. What I wanted wasn’t what he wanted. To the outside world things looked different than they really were. I was living in fantasy land refusing to deal with what the truth really was. And now, 8 years later, the truth still stings like a fresh paper cut. As I replay the relationship over in my head I now realize that if I would have made one different decision my life would have been very different now, and maybe I wouldn’t be here nursing the heartache of the century. But I have to deal with the card I have been dealt and that is my personal Idaho.

A friend  send me this quote today : "The dissolution of an intimate relationship is not necessarily a reflection of failure on any parties fault....it's the raising of a white flag either, mutually or independently, in an attempt to acknowledge one's inability to no longer compromise themselves or that other person in the relationship."

It’s funny how words can make you feel immediately better. I have carried this guilt around for SO LONG about wanting to leave my ex alone. I feel like I failed him because I promised that I would never leave him. But then I think about all the promises he made and how he has continuously broken them and broken me.  It feels like my heart is being ripped into piece because it knows that this isn’t the best for it, but at the same time it has loved this person for so long that it’s hard to let go.

The last email I received from him was probably the most thoughtful one I feel. He said:

“Its not easy I always change your mind and we end up fighting again… You are talking about that you are gaining weight back and shit, what am I suppose to do? I love you I truly do but you really want to lose wight and I don’t want to stand in the way of that.  I have hurt you enough already so I am letting you go so you can find the happiness you deserve.

Honestly hurts sometimes, but it’s the truth.  He is letting me go. And I need to let myself off the hook. I didn’t fail. I gave it my very best try, and it didn’t work out and that is okay. It’s not about forgiving him anymore, it’s about forgiving myself and walking towards my future and what will be good for me and give me all the happiness I deserve.

I ask that my friends, those who love me and support me to be patient, because in this quest for self forgiveness and to begin to love myself again, there are going to be choices to be made that you may not necessarily agree with. I am going to make mistakes and say things I don’t mean and do things that you may not necessarily like, but know that I am going to try my hardest and dammnest to get over this hurdle and come out a beautiful butterfly on the other side. I hear your thoughtful concerns and cries for me and I take them to heart, each and everyone. But what I do ask is that you remember that until you have stood in my shoes, that you don’t understand what this is like for me. And until you love someone with your total core could you even begin to get what I am trying to do her. They say it takes half the amount of time to get over someone as you were with them, and if that is the case that I am going to spend the next 4 years dealing with this (please know that I don’t plan on taking that long) but be patient with me please. Because I am going to need you all now, more than ever.

Upside, inside, around side. OH lord.

So. I was listening to Pandora today. And as most of my faithful readers know that HE is coming home this week. This song put a smile on my face and made me feel a little less edgy about the whole thing. I don't really have much to say at this point, but God forgive me.

I am a work in progress.

Dreaming

So this video is awesome for so many reasons, but my favorite reason is that it has the girl who played the lead in the movie "JUST ONE OF THE GUYS." One of my favorite 80's movies.  And how can you NOT love her hair in the video. But I digress.

My dreams are being invaded of my past love. The more I try to pull away the more my psyche pulls me closer. I feel like I am stuck, so willing to walk away, but still have my foot behind me attempting to turn around. It's still hard after 8 years to let go. And I mean I can't quite understand why at this point.  Year after year, the heart break that I have experienced should have sent me to the funny farm by now. I mean people look at me and say "why does she keep doing this to herself," "she deserves better than that," "doesn't she know her worth," "such low self esteem she has." But that isn't it.  I was always taught that you have to work at a relationship, the good the bad and the ugly. But this is just ludicrous right, because of the variables that play a role in this situation. But I have always looked past that and saw thing but my match. The other half of me. The complete part of my soul.

I close my eyes to sleep and a dream of a place where the variables are different. It's just me and him, no one else. There aren't all the wrenches that were throw into the pot. We are just two people in love who are fighting for the existence of our relationship. And it makes me quite sad, because that is a fantasy. Because all of the baggage is there. And how can I move forward if I don't understand what got me to this point in the first place.

I feel like my soul is being ripped apart. I spend to much time doing what other people want me to do. I need to focus on what is going to make me happy and what is going to make everyone else happy.  So that is what I am going to do.

So I am going to dream a little dream. And get my left foot to catch up to my right.

So together, so broken....

Week 2 isn’t going so well. There has been 2 emails and a numerous amount of text messages that have just left me more frustrated than solved anything. I feel like I am in the middle of the biggest divorce. Why am I holding on to these feelings? It’s not like we have assets we have to divide or a custody agreement to come up with. We just need to go in the opposite direction and run never taking the time to look back. But I am torn, into pieces. Parts of me are floating in the ether and I want to claim them back. I wish I could understand and grasp how someone just can hurt you so bad that your core splits and turns you into this crazy bubbling needed infant crazy person.

I refuse to cry anymore. I think after 8 years there are enough tears ingrained in to my brain and my pillow that it is just a waste of time to even put the effort in to form a tear.  But in the darkest moments of the night my mind trails off to a place where I don’t want it or need it to go. I sit there and wade in the pool of my despair and sadness.  I hate feeling like this, like I can’t live without him. I mean I have been for almost 2 years living without him. We haven’t lived in the same place for more than a few months since 2007. I for two years woke up most days alone without him at my side. SO what is the fucking difference?

My friend says that I need to experience this regret. To let is wash over me. I need to stop not experiencing things and trying to push it to the back recesses of my mind. But that is scary don’t you think. To give into the parts of yourself that you don’t want to see and to accept that you just weren’t what each other needed. I still find myself trying to get him to see it my way, to accept what I have accepted, to agree with how I feel about things, but he doesn’t. He continues to be silent. It makes me sad so sad.

I really wish that he could hear what my heart is saying. How he broke it in to. What it was like when I finally realized that this isn’t what I wanted. And how many times I change my mind on a daily basis. Its amazing sometimes what God does to make sure you understand. And I am tired of NOT listening to him. 

Stinky...

I think I am going to babble a long for a minute before I post the video in the window. Partly because I have NO clue what the video is tonight. This is only made worse by the fact that I have "This One's For the Children" stuck in my head. UGH. That is the only NKOTB song that I could live with out. But any ways, on to the next one. LOL nice Jay-Z reference, but that isn't the song either.

I am stuck. I wanna see him. the 20th is in 8 days. But I can tell you what will happen if we do see each other and I don't want that to happen AT ALL. Well maybe my loins do, but my brain and heart don't.  So IDK. Is there even a song for what I am feeling. Besides Stupid Girl. OOOOH That's it. hold on.

So I thought that Stupid girl would be the song, but then I remember this little gem.

Sometimes it's good to ramble because it has led us to here. Special. Every feeling I feel right now is emoted in this song. It sucks sometimes that A song can cause me to want to scream and holler. But its right. I thought you were special. I am tired of the violence. I am just tired. So there will be no happy reunions ending in back breaking love making. There is just a ending point. You aren't special. I just thought you were.

Breakout....

Silly little video from the 80's. You would think that I was a teenager during the 80's for all the music I love from that decade. But I was just a kid who had a radio that the dial was stuck on a radio station that played 70's and 80's pop music all day.  So we have Breakout by Swing out sister. One of my favorite empowerment songs.

I kinda feel like I just broke out. I found my voice again and I screamed NO MORE. I can't wait for my exterior and my interior to match. I have a song for that too :)

I wanted to share something that I wrote and sent in a email and then the edited response (the only reason why I am editing it, is because I can't put something that is grammatically incorrect on my blog for fear of my friend James to say something to me about it.

There is a disclaimer with this: I was drunk when I wrote the email. Momentary lapse in judgement, but the shit needed to be said. So here is my email (please excuse the language, it was the liquor):

Thanks for deleting me from facebook, you saved me the time of having to do it. But I am just wondering why you didn't respond to my text messages. you could have TRIED to change my mind. I can't believe how fucking easy it is for you to just let go. oh wait yeah I can, you never FUCKING loved me in the first fucking place. I was just your cash cow, cock whore.

thanks for ruining my life.

 

Davette K. Baker

Lover of cats and grilled cheese.

His response Edited:

It's not easy.  I always change your mind and we end up fighting again.  You talking about you gaining weight back and shit.  What am i suppose to do. I love you I truly do but you really want to lose wight and I don't want to stand in the way of that. I have hurt you enough already so I let go so you can find the happiness you deserve 

 love u peace.

So that's where I stand. And I am keeping running the other direction. I have broken free. I think I needed that. The validation that he gets it. In the past he makes it my fault. I was the one who left and I was the one that broke us. And I didn't. I didn't do anything but love someone who I probably should have not. And I am going to keep breaking out of that every day. Anytime I feel something pushing on me and pulling me back I am goin to roar and bust through. And think of this silly little song. Man did they really have fun in the 80's. 

So. We know I love the 80's. Partly because of the CRAZY big hair and it was a time where everyone was so unbelievably happy that they didn't realizes that over half the songs in the 80's were about masturbation. But in my quest to NOT right about my on personal idaho, once again my psyche has brought me to the exact spot  that I don't want to be. So let's just get it out so we can move on.

Stir It up, what uplifting song about changing your life, which can suck btw on any given day. Some day's you feel so up to what is going on in your life that you forget that something you consider the worst thing to ever happen to you even happened. I think this past week I was in that place. I was so happy and free and ready to CHANGE my life. And now I am right where I was Tuesday before last. In the doldrums watching the very first movie the devil and I ever watched together wondering why didn't I see it then.

Patti Says:

Baby, stir it up,
got to break it up now
When I think about tomorrow,
ooh, I can't wait to
Stir it, got to shake it up now
If I have to beg or borrow,
I'm not gonna take it anymore, mmm, mmm

So that is what I am going to do. Im gonna stir it up and bury it. 10 feet in the grown. I am going to be okay.

Carly Simon always gets it right.

There isn't a Carly Simon song that I don't like. And When i was researching for tonight's blog I just typed her name in and paroosed through her videos to see which one spoke to me. And the question of the moment, for me anyways is why?

I can't imagine entering into a relationship with someone and not really wanting to be in it. I felt hidden at times. Especially later on. I still feel like I am trapped on some island waiting to get off. I felt myself screaming so that I would be heard. But there was no one else around. So Why? Why did you keep me? I know I will neve know the real answer to that. It makes me sad for a moment. But then I just press on.

I take out all the pressure I have put on myself in the gym. It's my way of coping. One squat here and one squat there. Put out the pain. Breathe in light and love. Its the only thing that is keeping me from going crazy.

7 days....

Okay so first off. This video is TOO funny because Toni's crazy ass sisters are her background singers. Look at how crazy Tamar.com looks. ROTFLMAO.

Secondly, I am SO glad that the 90's have passed and please don't let them come back. I can't dress like that again. Nor cut my hair like that.

Thirdly, I am going crazy over here because I am doing the second most scary thing I have ever done in my life next to deciding to Not be fat anymore. I am leaving Jacob Nicholas Smith ALONE. So tonight blog goes out to him and his bullshit, cause I would rather be on my own. (IT only took me 8 FREAKIN years to get here).

Something about me is different today. I don't know what it is, but I think that getting this 215lbs off my back is going to be the second best thing I have done in the past year. Sure I am sad, but I think in the end. I am going to be the happiest person.

We shall see.

Death of a Relationship

Relationships die.
If I could I would have a funeral and I would play the following songs:

Because EVERY where I go I am reminded of something. We spent years crawling this part of the each together.

Because this was one of our favorite songs.

It reminds me of the night we laid up under the stars when we flew the kite in the rain.

Cause I thought I could.

For the anniversary we spent in the bar with the man passed out on the stairs outside.

For every time I left and decided to come back.

For my up and down, back and forth, on again of again feelings.

Because I finally am facing the music.

This death is a long time coming. I have steps that I am going to follow to ensure that my heart heals properly. Bur I leave the relationship here on this page from ashes to ashes, dust to dust.