Heart Songs: Day 25.

Sometimes I don't always have the words to say what I feel. And right now is one of those moments. I was at work today listening to my pandora and hear this song. I had forgotten that it even existed. But it's what I am feeling right now. The words say so perfectly what I feel in my heart. Dancing across my ears as if I spoke them myself. Hoping that he can hear them as I play them in my head phones. It's so hard to let go. One pulls the other pushes, its a teater totter game we play. 

I wish there was just a place i could go and sit for a few hours. Kinda like in Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind and have them erase all the memories and the good times and the laughter. This can't be healthy the way I am feeling. I have to be honest with myself and its time to move on but I feel like I am stuck in the mud. I keep making promises to visit, to call, but its hard. I pick up the phone and he's not there.  He's so fucked up he can't answer the phone. Who lives like that? I've been waiting for years, I am tired. 

I am so excited to see the 5 men who have put pen to paper and created a whole list of songs that speak to my very heart, but I am sad because I am still mending my heart. I keep trying to look forward but its soo hard to not look back.

Heart Song: Day 24

Misery.

mis·er·y/ˈmiz(ə)rē/Noun

1. A state or feeling of great distress or discomfort of mind or body.

2. A cause or source of great distress.
 

Web definitions

a state of ill-being due to affliction or misfortune; "the misery and wretchedness of those slums is intolerable"

a feeling of intense unhappiness; "she was exhausted by her misery and grief"

Gut wrenching throw yourself in front of the train type of feeling. I have seen that feeling. Felt it to my core. I don't wanna feel it every again. So I leave my misery on this page, with in the melodies of this Maroon 5 song. I am vowing to never me miserable again.   (if I can help it) And I am only going to live happy and healthy for the rest of my life. I can never let anything or anyone make me feel lower than low. I will not allow it to happen. Because the most important thing is loving myself. 

I never thought I would ever find my way back from that. When would I smile again, laugh again. But I did. And every pound that I lose and every day I wake up and live my life, its me staring misery in its face and saying HA you don't win today. I have so much to be thankful for and to live for. THANK GOD i finally figured that out.

Heart Songs Day 23

So in honor of the fact that this blogger is going to get to see MAROON 5 on Saturday. I have decided to use all Maroon 5 songs in my blogs this week. Adam and his crew of hotties have gotten me through most of my relationship with Jacob. In the high of their fame I have gotten and listened to OVER AND OVER all their albums. They are my salvation at times, the songs that always speak to my heart. They have helped me celebrate love, celebrate defeat, heal, and learn that somewhere deep inside is a healed soul just waiting to emerge. And I am terribly excited to see them, so much that I am going to sit at Summerfest ALL day just so I can be in the front row. But I digress... 

So if I had to pick a FAVORITE song this would be it. One it's beautifully written. Second its the perfect break up song. I think since it's come into existence I have listened to it when I was feeling pretty low and sad about whatever argument or fight that Jacob and I had. I totally get the feeling of okay I have had enough, but it still sucks laying here in bed along at night. (adam laying in bed in his undies is SOO hott by the way).  The world is heavy. And to have a relationship that is NO good on your back along with the heavy ass world can tear you apart. 


It sucks when you have to say goodnight to your relationship. I am still daily saying good bye. Walking away slowly dragging my feet. It's hard. I hope that things work out alright.

Heart Songs Day 22

So many times I define my pride
Through somebody else's eyes (La da da, la da)
Then I looked inside and found my own stride,
I found the lasting love for me
If I'm searching for my spirituality
Passionately I must begin with me

There's just me...
One is the magic number 

I couldn't think of any other way to say what I needed to say tonight. Right now it's just me. I have to love me and loving me starts with getting my ass into shape. God this is the hardest fucking think I have ever done. Today was one of those days where I am like I wanna just quit. This is to hard being all self-conscious all the time about what I am putting into my mouth. But is it any harder than being a fat slob. No cause being fat means carrying the weight around, hurting when I walk, not being able to breathe. And that right now is worse. 

So I channel Jill and remember that I need to love myself more than just wanting to be a "fat girl"

Heart songs Day 21

My heart is sad today. It longs for something that isn't there. I think Vanessa Carlton is totally appropriate today. She created an anthem that I have spent the past few years trying to make a reality. I lay here drunk with sadness. I miss him today more than I have in months and I don't know if I truely miss him or if the martini's are giving me the allusion that I do. But I vowed to be honest and I hate that he moved away.

Heart Songs Day 21

I love Adele. It is like she hears my heart across the Atlantic. I had forgotten about this song until i popped up on my pandora today. This is the type of song I would put on repeat until I couldn't stand it anymore. I don't like the way this song makes me hurt in places that I only let a few in. I keep asking myself why did he leave me.  This song touches on all those questions that you never get to ask when you are left standing in the middle of your street crying watching who you thought the love of your life drive away in his 1997 Black Jetta.

I could go on and on trying to figure out why he left. But it doesn't matter, he did. So now what am I going to do? I am going to get better. I am going to work on me. I don't have to figure out what his deal is anymore, its not even worth it. I want someone who NO matter what would never leave me. 

Heart Songs Day 20

Its a two for one night. Pink is my FAVORITE Girl Rocker. She always tells it like it is. And after the day I have had. I needed to hear her. I was driving home. Raise your glass came on the radio and I was jamming so hard that I didn't realize the light had changed....oops. Sometimes we all need to be reminded that NO matter how we look or feel that we are all awesome for those things that we feel make us less than. I think sometimes in life we can lose ourselves and forget that God made us the way we are and that we should be blessed in that. As long as we are living up to our potential then nothing should matter.

I spent the last 15 years of my life slipping away slowly from my potential. As the weight came on, I became so introverted. My light stopped shinning. I let myself get so wrapped up in bullshit that I had NO business being apart of. And when I realized what had happened, it was already to late. I was almost 300lbs overweight, sad, in a relationship that was not healthy and had lost all of my friends. I think they call it hitting rock bottom.

I have spent the last year digging myself out of that grave. Changing my life, making decision for ME and not worry about what other people think. I took my own life back. I started to show up to my own life. And I have never felt better. I raise my glass proudly and accept my flaws and imperfections. I am never giving up again. Thanks Pink for reminding me of this today :)