So together, so broken....

Week 2 isn’t going so well. There has been 2 emails and a numerous amount of text messages that have just left me more frustrated than solved anything. I feel like I am in the middle of the biggest divorce. Why am I holding on to these feelings? It’s not like we have assets we have to divide or a custody agreement to come up with. We just need to go in the opposite direction and run never taking the time to look back. But I am torn, into pieces. Parts of me are floating in the ether and I want to claim them back. I wish I could understand and grasp how someone just can hurt you so bad that your core splits and turns you into this crazy bubbling needed infant crazy person.

I refuse to cry anymore. I think after 8 years there are enough tears ingrained in to my brain and my pillow that it is just a waste of time to even put the effort in to form a tear.  But in the darkest moments of the night my mind trails off to a place where I don’t want it or need it to go. I sit there and wade in the pool of my despair and sadness.  I hate feeling like this, like I can’t live without him. I mean I have been for almost 2 years living without him. We haven’t lived in the same place for more than a few months since 2007. I for two years woke up most days alone without him at my side. SO what is the fucking difference?

My friend says that I need to experience this regret. To let is wash over me. I need to stop not experiencing things and trying to push it to the back recesses of my mind. But that is scary don’t you think. To give into the parts of yourself that you don’t want to see and to accept that you just weren’t what each other needed. I still find myself trying to get him to see it my way, to accept what I have accepted, to agree with how I feel about things, but he doesn’t. He continues to be silent. It makes me sad so sad.

I really wish that he could hear what my heart is saying. How he broke it in to. What it was like when I finally realized that this isn’t what I wanted. And how many times I change my mind on a daily basis. Its amazing sometimes what God does to make sure you understand. And I am tired of NOT listening to him. 

Stinky...

I think I am going to babble a long for a minute before I post the video in the window. Partly because I have NO clue what the video is tonight. This is only made worse by the fact that I have "This One's For the Children" stuck in my head. UGH. That is the only NKOTB song that I could live with out. But any ways, on to the next one. LOL nice Jay-Z reference, but that isn't the song either.

I am stuck. I wanna see him. the 20th is in 8 days. But I can tell you what will happen if we do see each other and I don't want that to happen AT ALL. Well maybe my loins do, but my brain and heart don't.  So IDK. Is there even a song for what I am feeling. Besides Stupid Girl. OOOOH That's it. hold on.

So I thought that Stupid girl would be the song, but then I remember this little gem.

Sometimes it's good to ramble because it has led us to here. Special. Every feeling I feel right now is emoted in this song. It sucks sometimes that A song can cause me to want to scream and holler. But its right. I thought you were special. I am tired of the violence. I am just tired. So there will be no happy reunions ending in back breaking love making. There is just a ending point. You aren't special. I just thought you were.

Breakout....

Silly little video from the 80's. You would think that I was a teenager during the 80's for all the music I love from that decade. But I was just a kid who had a radio that the dial was stuck on a radio station that played 70's and 80's pop music all day.  So we have Breakout by Swing out sister. One of my favorite empowerment songs.

I kinda feel like I just broke out. I found my voice again and I screamed NO MORE. I can't wait for my exterior and my interior to match. I have a song for that too :)

I wanted to share something that I wrote and sent in a email and then the edited response (the only reason why I am editing it, is because I can't put something that is grammatically incorrect on my blog for fear of my friend James to say something to me about it.

There is a disclaimer with this: I was drunk when I wrote the email. Momentary lapse in judgement, but the shit needed to be said. So here is my email (please excuse the language, it was the liquor):

Thanks for deleting me from facebook, you saved me the time of having to do it. But I am just wondering why you didn't respond to my text messages. you could have TRIED to change my mind. I can't believe how fucking easy it is for you to just let go. oh wait yeah I can, you never FUCKING loved me in the first fucking place. I was just your cash cow, cock whore.

thanks for ruining my life.

 

Davette K. Baker

Lover of cats and grilled cheese.

His response Edited:

It's not easy.  I always change your mind and we end up fighting again.  You talking about you gaining weight back and shit.  What am i suppose to do. I love you I truly do but you really want to lose wight and I don't want to stand in the way of that. I have hurt you enough already so I let go so you can find the happiness you deserve 

 love u peace.

So that's where I stand. And I am keeping running the other direction. I have broken free. I think I needed that. The validation that he gets it. In the past he makes it my fault. I was the one who left and I was the one that broke us. And I didn't. I didn't do anything but love someone who I probably should have not. And I am going to keep breaking out of that every day. Anytime I feel something pushing on me and pulling me back I am goin to roar and bust through. And think of this silly little song. Man did they really have fun in the 80's. 

So. We know I love the 80's. Partly because of the CRAZY big hair and it was a time where everyone was so unbelievably happy that they didn't realizes that over half the songs in the 80's were about masturbation. But in my quest to NOT right about my on personal idaho, once again my psyche has brought me to the exact spot  that I don't want to be. So let's just get it out so we can move on.

Stir It up, what uplifting song about changing your life, which can suck btw on any given day. Some day's you feel so up to what is going on in your life that you forget that something you consider the worst thing to ever happen to you even happened. I think this past week I was in that place. I was so happy and free and ready to CHANGE my life. And now I am right where I was Tuesday before last. In the doldrums watching the very first movie the devil and I ever watched together wondering why didn't I see it then.

Patti Says:

Baby, stir it up,
got to break it up now
When I think about tomorrow,
ooh, I can't wait to
Stir it, got to shake it up now
If I have to beg or borrow,
I'm not gonna take it anymore, mmm, mmm

So that is what I am going to do. Im gonna stir it up and bury it. 10 feet in the grown. I am going to be okay.

Carly Simon always gets it right.

There isn't a Carly Simon song that I don't like. And When i was researching for tonight's blog I just typed her name in and paroosed through her videos to see which one spoke to me. And the question of the moment, for me anyways is why?

I can't imagine entering into a relationship with someone and not really wanting to be in it. I felt hidden at times. Especially later on. I still feel like I am trapped on some island waiting to get off. I felt myself screaming so that I would be heard. But there was no one else around. So Why? Why did you keep me? I know I will neve know the real answer to that. It makes me sad for a moment. But then I just press on.

I take out all the pressure I have put on myself in the gym. It's my way of coping. One squat here and one squat there. Put out the pain. Breathe in light and love. Its the only thing that is keeping me from going crazy.

7 days....

Okay so first off. This video is TOO funny because Toni's crazy ass sisters are her background singers. Look at how crazy Tamar.com looks. ROTFLMAO.

Secondly, I am SO glad that the 90's have passed and please don't let them come back. I can't dress like that again. Nor cut my hair like that.

Thirdly, I am going crazy over here because I am doing the second most scary thing I have ever done in my life next to deciding to Not be fat anymore. I am leaving Jacob Nicholas Smith ALONE. So tonight blog goes out to him and his bullshit, cause I would rather be on my own. (IT only took me 8 FREAKIN years to get here).

Something about me is different today. I don't know what it is, but I think that getting this 215lbs off my back is going to be the second best thing I have done in the past year. Sure I am sad, but I think in the end. I am going to be the happiest person.

We shall see.

Death of a Relationship

Relationships die.
If I could I would have a funeral and I would play the following songs:

Because EVERY where I go I am reminded of something. We spent years crawling this part of the each together.

Because this was one of our favorite songs.

It reminds me of the night we laid up under the stars when we flew the kite in the rain.

Cause I thought I could.

For the anniversary we spent in the bar with the man passed out on the stairs outside.

For every time I left and decided to come back.

For my up and down, back and forth, on again of again feelings.

Because I finally am facing the music.

This death is a long time coming. I have steps that I am going to follow to ensure that my heart heals properly. Bur I leave the relationship here on this page from ashes to ashes, dust to dust.