Heart Song: Day 30.

I was in my 20’s when this song came out. I actually love Dido. She reminds me of Enya but with more meat to go with my potatoes.  I actually made an Enya station on my Pandora today and Dido’s White Flag showed up just in the nick of time. I have been having a hard time especially in the past couple of day. I feel like I am treading water in a sea of bullshit and complications that I just don’t need or want anymore. And the sad part is that I figured out that I keep doing it to myself. I let people and keep people around in my life who don’t want to do anything but harm me and make me feel bad about the choices that I have made and how I choose to live my life.

I want to raise my white flag and surrender. I am so tired of going round and round with people and persons who just wanna do what they want to do. I think this is why I can’t find my footing that I just keep allowing people to show up and hurt me instead of just being like everyone else, cut throat and cutting people off as soon as they show their ass.  I am exhausted from the undying empathy that I carry around in my soul. I don’t think Jesus has this much patience for people, or maybe he did, but I ain’t Jesus. So I don’t want of have the energy to do it anymore.

So what have I learned from Dido today. I can’t try to hold on to the past anymore. I have to keep saying this to myself about 60 billion times a day, the past was HORRIBLE. I was fat and unhappy. I spent my days trying to make a man just love me. But the thing is, and what I didn’t realize back then is that you shouldn’t have to MAKE any one love you, they just should. I am a firm believer in that if you wanna be with a person that NOTHING will keep you from them. And the fact that this asshole moved across the country to the eastern seaboard should really be the slap in the face that I need. He isn’t thinking about me, he doesn’t care about what happens to me. He only cares about himself. So I can’t sit here and agree with Dido anymore, at least not when it comes to this song. Because I am waving my white flag and I am letting the bullshit seep up out of me and into the ether.  I can’t move forward if I don’t.

SN: Sad part is that I thought I could do it without having to give him up. But truth is I can’t.