Heart Songs: Songs To My Unborn Child. Day 3

Dancing. I love it. I am not very good at it. But Its a great way to release energy. Currently my dancing is also helping me lose weight. Preparing my body to carry a child. And if I had to pass something on to my child other than my love of music it is my love of dance. I had parents who saw their baby girls as ballerina's. We took dance classes until I was about 11 or 12. I kinda wished that I would have stuck with it. I always wonder if it would have kept me from gaining all the weight.


In this song. Leigh Ann Womack sings the perfect song about her thoughts for her daughter and what she hopes that she accomplishes with her life. It is the perfect testament in my thought of a mother's love for her child. I couldn't have said it more perfect. I hope my daughter loves, learns, falls hard, makes mistakes, has successes and failures. I hope her life is un-ending learning and full of friends and laughter. I hope she dances her way through this beautiful world. SO dance baby girl dance.

Heart Songs: Songs To My Unborn Child. Day 2.

Okay so probably one of the silliest most funniest songs to ever grace my ears. I am a pretty eclectic in my musical taste, but I don't know ANYONE who doesn't know this song. I can pretty much vouch for my fellow college students out there that there was some drunkin' dancing with a boy done to this song across this nation. But what this song celebrates is FUN. The whole shack shimmy. Who says that. Songs now a days are so SERIOUS. No one has FUN anymore. SN: I think that is why Lady Gaga is so popular right now cause all her songs are about having fun, sex and love...all that stuff that people have forgotten about. But I digress. LOVE SHACK....

I want my unconvinced child to know that music is suppose to be fun. It should give you goose pimples up and down you back, make your heart flutter, and get you so excited that you might pee. (YEAH I SAID IT).  And this song gets me hype. Who wouldn't want to go to the love shack where everybody's moving around . It's a funky little shack. 

I have visions of dancing around the living room with my daughter ( I am completely delusional when it comes to this because i swear my child is only going to be a girl. I have even geared my blog for it to be a girl)  Playing dress up and listening to 80's pop music.  And this song will definitely be on the play list. 

I just want my child to experience things with out hesitation. Everyday I try read and hear something new, experience exciting scary things.  I can't only hope that my baby girl finds  her own "love shack" and gets to hope in a Chrysler as big as a wail. I hope she sets sail to anywhere her heart desires. 


Man I love the B-52's.

Heart Songs: Songs to my unborn child. Day 1

    

So my broken heart needs to take a break and to down shift towards something else that is happy. With my new found lifestyle change have gotten an affinity and a new lease on the idea that I could have a baby. The more weight I lose the stronger I get and the probability of me being able to actually conceive a child get's closer by the pound.

So what I want to focus on for a while are song that my child will love as much as I do. I had parents who allowed me to explore the world of music. There is so much out there and I want my child to experience it all. I think music is so important and it shapes who you are and how you love. So a small collection of songs that I will play to my baby. I know they have special head phones to put on your belly. But I always envisioned sitting with my feet up, having the head phones straddling my big belly. 

So first on my list is Baby Mine, from Dumbo. A BIG HUGE fan of Disney movies, Dumbo is one of my favorites.  And this song is the prefect lullaby. I don't think I sing very well, but this would be my number one choice for sleepy time song to sing. I hope my baby will especially love this one. 

I can't wait to have a little one growing inside of me.

Heart Songs : Day 31

Couldn't have said it better myself. I wish I was full of witty comments and wonderful prose tonight. But this sickness that is trying to take over my body is winning. I give it another 3 hours and I will have a full blown fever as I feel the heat taking over my body. (Probably should turn the AC back on cause its gonna feel like its 90 degrees in here)

So today I reached my first mini goal with my weight loss. To lose enough weight to NOT be 400lbs anymore. I am currently 399. Do you know how awesome it feels to write that number. I should be out celebrating with some lemon water and singing Karaoke with my sorority and fraternity brothers, but instead i am stuck in the bed, sick. What also sucks is that the one person I want to share my success with could care less. I have noticed over the past 8 months that he has done nothing to support of to even encourage my weight loss. And I just can't have people like that in my corner anymore. So I am already gone. 

I am hoping in the passing weeks, that my blogs will shift away from mulling over this lost relationship and into more of an inspiration to support my weight loss and to help heal myself on a deeper level. Here's to hoping. But for old time sake here is one blog that is DEFINITELY a testament to me leaving him behind. 

Looking at you makes it harder
But I know that you'll find another
That doesn't always make you want to cry

Started with a perfect kiss then we could feel the poison set in
Perfect couldn't keep this love alive
You know that I love you so, I love you enough to let you go

So that is what I am setting out to do. I couldn't have said it better. It's not that I don't love him. It's that I love MYSELF more. And who wants to be with someone who doesn't want you to be the best person they can be. I am not setting out to be this skinny girl, cause I am not built that way. But what I don't get is that I am still the same person. Whether I am 200 or 400lbs. Doesn't that count for something. Wouldn't a person who really love me, love me no matter what?

I have realized that people who truly love you don't do things that will intentionally hurt you. They treat your heart like a delicate flower and the hold on and protect it. And I don't feel protected anymore. So I am going to stick to my guns and keep walking in the other direction. I've got this alone stuff down pat. And it is in my solace that I will keep getting stronger and come out stronger and THINNER on the other side! It's time to stop loving him and start loving me. :) *giggles*

Heart Song: Day 30.

I was in my 20’s when this song came out. I actually love Dido. She reminds me of Enya but with more meat to go with my potatoes.  I actually made an Enya station on my Pandora today and Dido’s White Flag showed up just in the nick of time. I have been having a hard time especially in the past couple of day. I feel like I am treading water in a sea of bullshit and complications that I just don’t need or want anymore. And the sad part is that I figured out that I keep doing it to myself. I let people and keep people around in my life who don’t want to do anything but harm me and make me feel bad about the choices that I have made and how I choose to live my life.

I want to raise my white flag and surrender. I am so tired of going round and round with people and persons who just wanna do what they want to do. I think this is why I can’t find my footing that I just keep allowing people to show up and hurt me instead of just being like everyone else, cut throat and cutting people off as soon as they show their ass.  I am exhausted from the undying empathy that I carry around in my soul. I don’t think Jesus has this much patience for people, or maybe he did, but I ain’t Jesus. So I don’t want of have the energy to do it anymore.

So what have I learned from Dido today. I can’t try to hold on to the past anymore. I have to keep saying this to myself about 60 billion times a day, the past was HORRIBLE. I was fat and unhappy. I spent my days trying to make a man just love me. But the thing is, and what I didn’t realize back then is that you shouldn’t have to MAKE any one love you, they just should. I am a firm believer in that if you wanna be with a person that NOTHING will keep you from them. And the fact that this asshole moved across the country to the eastern seaboard should really be the slap in the face that I need. He isn’t thinking about me, he doesn’t care about what happens to me. He only cares about himself. So I can’t sit here and agree with Dido anymore, at least not when it comes to this song. Because I am waving my white flag and I am letting the bullshit seep up out of me and into the ether.  I can’t move forward if I don’t.

SN: Sad part is that I thought I could do it without having to give him up. But truth is I can’t.

Heart Songs: Day 29

Not sure if a lot of people know this song by Britney. Every Time is on In The Zone and I remember when she sang it on SNL. I thought it was so pretty and poignant. Simply stated I let you down, but didn't you let me down too. I can say I am sorry.  

I have spent so many years saying sorry for things that I should not have to apologize for.  I was just thinking today that I have always took on too much all at once and then fall short of the expectations I set for myself. Even in my relationships. I try to carry the whole load and then wonder why I get burnt out so quickly. I keep thinking and trying to stay once step a head that I don't ever get to enjoy everything. 


I don't know what is wrong with me. I guess to, like Britney, I want to be noticed and valued and loved. Not for what I can do, or how smart I am, but just for me. This crazy, sexy, cool chick who has an affinity for really bad pop music, who loves her parents and family, and who loves books, and movies and taking naps.  I want to find someone who loves that I know how to write, but also play video games. I just wanna be ME. 

As I work on changing myself inside and out I am reminded how extraordinary it is to look at yourself and say SELF, let's make some changes. I will continue to make leaps and bounds and never forget where I started. Only looking back ever so slightly to remember where I came from, but keeping my good eye always to the future. 


Some times I amaze myself, I got all that there from Everytime. Go figure. 


SN: As a true relation to the song. I played this once for my ex cause I did something stupid and really needed to actually apologize for once and it made him cry. (good thing he doesn't read my blog). It is a sad song. Especially when you actually experience it.

Heart Songs: Day 28

Since I am amongst friends here I can admit that I love this little lady. Believe it or not, whether you would like to believe it or not but this girl has star quality. She has kept us entertained for almost 10 years now. And this the song where it all started, for me at least. 

Tyra and I saw her when she wasn't known for breaking JT's heart or steaming K-Fed from that girl that was on Moesha. She was just a girl singing a song about, what I first thought was a song about domestic violence, but a girl and summer anthem to write home to your mother about. 

I have always maintained that there is NO music taboo or off limits to me. My parents made sure that I was well rounded and hand an opportunity to explore everything. And it has helped me develop a deep affinity for media of all types.  So I share my crazy awesome like of Britney Spears with you this week, leading up to another kick ass concert that I am sure to have plenty of stories and awesome pictures of. 

 

Heart Songs: Day 26 and 27

I am having a hard time deciding on a video for tonight. Mostly because I just had the most AMAZING 24 hours of my life yesterday. But if I had to pick one I would pick the video below.

I had forgotten how much I LOVED life. I stopped believing in it. I stopped believing in myself. It wasn't until last night that I thought about how much I have really accomplished in the past year. It is AMAZING feeling the way I do and being able to live life again. 

I can remember a time where I would have NOT been able to sit in the sun all day on a bench. Just that alone would have made me tired. I can't remember the last time that I didn't mind standing in a line, and having to walk a 2 blocks to get to the end of a line and then stand it it for 20 mins. Being able to walk to the bathroom and back with out breaking a sweat. I am just so in aww of that alone.

Then I was reminded of how good and decent people can be, especially young people. I met these amazing ladies below at the concert who after a big of "mamma bear" enforcement earned this girl a FRONT ROW spot to experience the most ROCKIN concert I have EVER BEEN TO, and I got to see the hottie name Adam Lavine. I hope these ladies know how much I value the fast friendship we developed just trying to see our favorite band in concert. 

Lastly but certainly not least I would like to thank the following ladies. Toiya, Tabby, Tyra, Ericka and Myronica. Without you ladies my little plan would have falling into the wind. I wanna thank Toiya for braving the sun for 4 hours with me just the to of us. It went buy SO quick how much fun did we have just us to. Tabby for being so flexible as our original plan was changed. I am so happy we got that time to just chill and celebrate our successes over the past six months. And Tyra, we have been doing it this big for so many years, I can't wait for the next 30 more!! Ericka, see I told you it was gonna be AWESOME. I am so happy you came!!  And to our "member at heart" Myronica I know you were there in spirt.

So the concert was AWESOME. Adam was hot. If you are my facebook friend just find the Maroon 5 picture folder and enjoy. I had such a great time and i will never forget how this day help repair my heart and my soul so much.  I have something to believe in again.