I don't know why....

I haven't written in a week. There are so many things that are going on that its hard for me to FOCUS. My brain is all over the place. It is very hard to get over someone that you have loved for a LARGE chunk of your life. I mean up until about 5 years ago I don't think I was still over my high school sweatheart. So 7.5 years has passed and the person who you told EVERYTHING to isn't there anymore. You look at your phone and noticed that it doesn't ring other than your mother, no texts come through, nothing. It makes me kinda sad.

When a heart breaks, it don't break even

I bet you were expecting to see The Script up there Break-even? Well I happen to be listening to that song, that I thought was called Falling To Pieces for a long time, while I type this blog. When I first sat down to write this little ditty, I was thinking about the design of my life and how I wanted to look and how that is a constantly evolving thing, I was in fact listening to the song you see above Into Dust by the awesome group Mazzy Star. And I think that the fact that I even know who this artist is, is a true testament to how my design is so eclectic that it is going to be tough to find someone who can appreciate me. I think the key word her is FIND, because what I have learned after all of this is I will NEVER find him. He will have to find me.

So with this song in mind, and a warm though of spending a lazy Saturday afternoon listening to tunes and watching movies with someone who not only loves me, but loves all the eclectic stuff about me :) I know he is out there. And I am giving this wish and thought to the heavens for safe keeping until it shall be :)

*insert Britney Spears giggle here*
XOXO

Silence...

I haven't had any songs floating around in my head for the past few days. It's like someone has turned off the Top 40 radio in my head. No 80's tunes to envote feeling, no 90's punk to rock out too. Just dead air. It makes it quite difficult to work on a blog that is all about SONGS, when you can't hear any music. It's like the sea has calmed a bit. Music is such an important part of my life that I can't imagine it with out it. I am questioning if my soundtrack is finished. I feel like Edward does when he talks with Bella. He can't see or hear her thoughts, always wondering what is coming next. I look in the mirror and see a completely different person staring back. Which in some ways is AWESOME, you know weight loss and all, but then there is a part of that face that is still trying to figure this mess all out.

I have spent so much time trying to "be someone" that I forgot how to be myself. The girl who LOVES television. The girl who loves movies. The girl who likes to laugh and make silly jokes. The girl who loves her family and friends. The motivator, the leader, and the MUSICIAN. Kinda crazy don't you think. How can you let a black hole suck up all that is what makes you be you. But I did. I was so busy running around trying to be something that I was not, that I forgot about all the things I was already. And at this moment, I am sad for myself because I have been missing out on it all. I have to learn to say yes more, especially to those things that could take me places where I want to be, so that when I look in the mirrow I see who I remember.

So it's quite okay I think, that the song has left my heart. Because she needs to rebuild and to remember. And today I am quite alright with that :)

So I charge you, my faithful readers to find a song, that represents my thoughts expressed here and post it in a comment. You guys may pick something I NEVER would have thought of...
XOXO

Hey , alright now and dont it feel good!! hey yeh

So, the natural assumption by the song is that some poor smuck has told me that he loves me, but that is so NOT TRUE. I picked this song to celebrate the feeling that it invokes. Like you could just do anything. I'm walking on Sunshine. And it feels good.

There's a day after tomorrow

So today is a new day. The beginning of the work week. Also the start of a new month. And with that I leave the past behind and what a fitting song by Mr. Jon Secada who incidentally looks like he could be related to M. Knigh Shyamalan. But I digress...

So I'm Free. What a difference 24 hour makes.

I'm gonna be my own best friend.

Truth is that it was over ages ago. But we both kept pulling each other back and forth like that Cameo song. I kept playing with breaking up with him. I would get so angry and tell him to go fuck himself one day and then 7, 14, 21 or 30 day's later I would change my mind. I think the longest I went was six months once. Now looking back on it, it seems so stupid, such a waste of time, I could have been doing anything else. I thought maybe we could figure it out and work it out, but that wasn't the case. I am incapable of that anymore.

I could go into the million reasons why, and explain and ramble on and on, but its to late for all that now. So I chose Me, Myself and I today. Doesn't matter anymore why. What does matter is that I finally have gotten it through my thick skull that this isn't going to work. That he isn't my husband and that I don't need him in my life anymore.

For 3 hours today I cried. I cried so much that I gave myself a headache.  And then I looked up and outside and I suddenly felt better. I don't know, it was like the control he had over me was gone. I flew out the window with the bee that scared the crap out of me. I think I realized that this was familiar to me and easy. I knew how to navigate this relationship and pretend that everything was okay. He checked out a year ago, stating that it's easy for him because I have been so back and forth over the past year that he knew this was coming eventually and that he was sorry that he couldn't make me happy the way I deserved to be happy. Which, I hate to admit there is some truth in that. Doesn't make it any easier though.

I think I finally heard what everyone else was trying to tell me. And maybe now I can get on with my life. I wanna thank everyone who has listen to me cry over the last 8 years. I know some of you have just gotten tired of me and this and I truly appreciate everything you have said or done. I think I have finally remembered those things that had gotten lost along the way.
XOXO

What I wish you would say.

So New Edition is what started my obsession with boy bands. And like NKOTBSB they have stood the test of time. This song isn't quite 20 years old yet, but it is nostalgic nonetheless.

I wish this is what he would say to me. I wish I could wake up tomorrow and all that bad things were erased and that we were just a boy and a girl who were trying to make it. I wish things weren't complicated by infidelity and a Maury Povich episode number of baby mommas and kids running around. I wish there weren't so many lies that I can't tell what the truth is anymore. I wish I would have walked away on that September night when he said that I shouldn't love him. But all of that will still be there, no matter how many times I close my eyes and wish.

Why is this so difficult? I guess it wouldn't be worth it if it was easy. I can only come out stronger on the other side. But like the song says, "I just need one more day." And tomorrow is that and the last day.