Heartless.....

How could you be so heartless? Well. Easy. I think as women we take and take it all in and then when we are full to the top we explode.  And whoever is in front of us at that time gets the shrapnel so to speak. I have had a few men in the past year tell me that I am really mean and heartless, which if you know me at all it isn’t true. I give EVERYONE in my life a million chances. My mother raised me to see the potential in a person, to grow and foster friendships and relationships because they are ever changing. And I have carried that with me throughout my life.  That bad part of living your life like that is that you will get sucked in to peoples bullshit and sit around and take stuff that you should probably just walk away from. Some people call that being a push over, but I don’t think it is that at all.

Humans have a need to feel supported and loved. And when you come across individuals who don’t understand that it’s a give and take process, what ends up happening is that one person gives so much that they get emotionally and often physically drained that it can cause all kind of problems. And it does actually in my experience cause you to learn how to adapt and be allergic to bullshit. I think then what happens is that the person gets jaded and angry. I know in my current situation that I have a hard time believing anything a man wishes to put out of his lips.  I am constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. And as of late there is always some shit on the bottom of that shoe when it does.

Brother Kanye had his heartbroken by a what I call “gold digging bitch” but there is some truth in what he is saying. We can be heartless, but it isn’t without a reason. I wish I could get men to understand that I don’t hate all men, I honestly just hate you until you give me reason not to. I do have a heart or I would not be standing in front of you, but it is protected.  I need you to show me better than before. I won’t take out my past on you, but I am very guarded and I am trying to find truth and love on the bottom of the shoe, not shit.

Thank you....

So, I don't always get blogger. And I just realized that some of you had commented on my blogs. So first of all let me say thank you for the kind remarks and questions you have asked. I also want to appologize for NOT repsonding until now.  I will be responding to your comments today, so go and check out what I have said. 

Heart Songs: New Beginnings Day 2

On Sunday, I had the pleasure to see this lovely lady above in concert for the fourth time. And I was reminded of the way I use to feel about meeting a new boy ( i use the term boy loosely). I remember the first time I heard this song and I was in love with someone, I can't remember who and I played this song over and over because I missed this person SOO much. It's funny how when you are young over night was a long time. You would rush to get ready for school the next morning because you would wanna get to school early so you could spend time with that person you were missing SO much while at home.

But at 33 this song has a different meaning. Boys have turned into Men and missing them is a whole different ordeal. Currently the object of my affections lives in a different time zone. As I type this it is 9pm where he lives. In an hour it will be 10pm. I sometimes forget this and call and wake him up. Or he texts me at 8 his time and I am still sleeping cause it's 7 here. There is no getting up and getting ready for work to go see him, or even seeing him when I get home from work, because he isn't just down the road or even a hour away, he is a PLANE ride away. Makes it hard when you are sick, or had a bad day and you just wanna be held. Some days I wonder if I really want to do this anymore.

But Janet reminded me that sometimes you have to be patient for what you want. We have been through so much and deciding to start over and leave the past behind was difficult, but the way I figure, if we can make it through this being a part, when we are together again, its gonna be that much more sweeet!! So I listen to this song and celebrate the feelings it invoke. But boy do I miss him much.

Heart Songs: New Beginnings-Day 1

Jacob called me today and said "babe I need you to do that thing you do where you say stuff and it calms me down." Then he proceeded to tell me why he needed to calm down. So I told him I loved him and that all the stuff he told me really wasn't that bad. And all I could think of was this song while I was talking to him. There are so MANY things in this world that cause us to panic. We as a society don't take the time to slow down and look at what we do have. Sure the current economic climate has everyone bummed, but I just mean do we look at the quality of our lives. I have been able to love with no boundaries. To meet people and to learn from them. To celebrate our existence.

I think what I was forgetting in my relationship with Jacob was that we all bring our past to the table. Some of us are still dealing with the past. And you shouldn't give up the things that are important to you, but you also have to remember that it is gonna take work to get where you want to go with that person. I never stopped and listened. I was TOO busy trying to make him into something he wasn't ready to be. I think a lot of the things that went wrong were my fault more than his, making a mountain out of a mole hill so to speak. It wasn't until I stepped away from the mess I created and saw what was really going on. Sure we should all be treated with respect, but what happens when WE as woman don't listen to what our br, partner, lover or whomever we let into our life is saying.

Jacob and I are in a place right now where we realize that we do "need" each other, but we don't know exactly what that means. And I think a few years ago I would have been in a panic about that. But its interesting when your ducks are starting to fall into place, how interesting the unknown and uncharted territory can be. I think what helps, and I can only speak for myself, is that I am in a better place emotionally and physically and just spiritually. I have let the past go and can only look at what is in front of me. I don't have time or the energy that it took to eat, sleep and breathe the past. I am "getting to my happy." 

Where I stand vs. Where I stood.

When you feel like you need to run away from something or someone, it is probably best that you do. I am a person who wants it all or needs to leave it alone. For too long I have shared a man with so many other things.  That it made me crazy.

I don’t listen to the voice in my head sometimes. And I think I cause myself more heart ache that way. I know that I should end this, stop being a willing participant, but I am already spread too thin and that thought would just break me in two.

Who am I without you? What was I before? I am afraid of the next, will you be to her what I wanted you to be to me. I gotta figure this out before I go crazy.

I don’t think he would really fight. I think he is tired to. Tired of my back and forth and up and down. Do I really love him or is it just his absence that I love. Because I know if he was standing in front of me I would be angry and sad. I would yell and scream as loud as I could but he would never hear me.

I am trying to find me. She is inside of there somewhere. Is it so hard to just move on, let the pain rip through me like a knife? I would be free then, I could watch my scares heal and scab over, itch and then heal good as new.

I do trust myself. I trust that my feelings will become whole again. I do need to do something cause this limbo I am in is just suffocating me.

I wanna know who I am without you. But something  keeps me hanging on. I hope that I can find that girl who is free and whole. But I don’t’ know.

Heart Songs: Songs to my Unborn Child Day 4

So I am a slacker. I have been SOOO focused on my weight loss tumblr blog fatdaysareover.tumblr.com that I haven't been paying attention to my Book of Songs. See this is what I do. I do so much stuff that I am so busy that stuff gets left out.  I am making a vow to my faithful 4 readers that I will try to do better. So as a extra special treat I offer you this video :)

Angel of Mine. I can imagine that this song will mean more to me once I have a little bundle of joy. But this song has always given me goose bumps. Monica has such a great voice and the love she talks about in this song is even greater. Babies are such a gift. I think I have always wanted to be someones mom. And its just so hard to not be able to just lay down and wake up with child.  So I dedicate this song to the angel that is still with God until its time for him or her ( i really hope its a her) is placed in my womb. 

I am coming back

Hello All,

I have been super busy working on stuff for my tryout for the Biggest Loser next month. I have also been training a lot with my trainer and just working out daily. So I haven't been in the writing mood. But don't worry. I promise that I will be back soon with more insightful post for my unborn unconcieved child soon. :)