Thank you Paula Abdul......

So, I blame Paula Abdul for my distorted view of the way love should be. Pretty fucked up isn't it. To blame one person for all the irreversable damage, but someone has to take the blame. All of her happy up beat songs like...

Forever Your Girl

or maybe if that doesn't float your boat, what about....

Rush Rush ( gotta love KR in this one)

But I mean come on, this idealist view of the way love should be has gotten me in trouble.  I mean that crap that she is singing about doesn't really exsist I don't think. Or maybe it does and my past is just full of bullshit that was disguised as the love she sings about.

Right now I feel like why even put in the work if they are just gonna leave you in the end. What sucks about trying to get over and move on past this love is that you have to think about all the aspects of what happened, examine them and figure out how to grow past it. Looking back on everything the first thing that dawned on me was that I want a storybook, love song version of a relationship.  But that doesn't really happen. Relationships are hard, they take work, and ONE person can't do all the work. It's like when you text someone and they don't respond. Should I have to ask questions to always get a response from that person, well no, I feel. Because a person who wants to carry on a conversation with you will respond whether or not there is a question. Because conversations are always about question and answer.

What I am starting to realize is that a person who wants to be in a relationship with you won't disappear for days, will answer when you call, will call you just because. They won't hesitate to tell you that they love you or their feelings for you. Actions will SCREAM it.  A love song isn't what the love is, its a manifestation of what the love has made that person feel. So maybe it isn't Paula's fault, but the way my brain has for years processed how love should make me feel. And instead of wanting to feel like a love song, I need to feel enough to want to write my own love song. 

I just felt a piece of my heart reconnect to my soul.

XOXO

And NOW I'm Stuck....

So there isn't a "official video for this song. I wish there was cause he is SOOO hot and they have such creative and very 80's type videos that have storyline and the such, but maybe you can just imagine him doing something creative and cool while you read this and listen along.

SN: How many of your listen to the song while you are reading. I try to write the blog while I am listening to the song, I think that is how the lyrics sometimes end up in the actual post. Then other times its hard cause I get so lost in the song I forget to type....

So, I woke up this morning and despite still dealing with this stupid cold, virus, running nose thing, I feel stuck. I keep replaying my relationship over in my head, trying to figure out what the fuck happened. I some times feel like I am just really ill-equipt to even be someone's girlfriend. What does it even really mean. I don't know how to day. Hell, I barely can talk to men most of the time. I watch my friends flirt with guys and carry on these relationships with ease and that thought of actually meeting someone and having to let them get to know me actually scares that crap out of me.  So I dont really think I am ready for that step especially since my heart is still belting out this song.

So Adam makes several points in his beautiful ballad. I am stuck. Everytime I think I get unstuck, something reminds me or makes me think about what was was. I am trying daily to not fall apart. But it really pisses me off that he is just fine with all of this. To quote his very last text to me, You have been leaving me for a year, so I am pretty much use to it now. WHAT? WTF does that mean. I mean I could go on a rant about how that fool left me and moved to North Dakota and didn't even tell me, but we won't go there.

It just sucks cause I would like to think in a perfect world that he is somewhere on the eastern seaboard wondering the streets of where ever he lives just as upset as I am and trying NOT to fall apart, but I know better. And that is just the kicker for me, because this is the exact reason WHY we shouldn't be together in the first place. I want someone who CAN'T live with out me and he isn't that. I feel stupid because my heart strings still want him to do that, but I guess recognizing the problem is the first step right?

A procedure like that one Jim Carey in Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind would be AWESOME right now.

XOXO

I don't know why....

I haven't written in a week. There are so many things that are going on that its hard for me to FOCUS. My brain is all over the place. It is very hard to get over someone that you have loved for a LARGE chunk of your life. I mean up until about 5 years ago I don't think I was still over my high school sweatheart. So 7.5 years has passed and the person who you told EVERYTHING to isn't there anymore. You look at your phone and noticed that it doesn't ring other than your mother, no texts come through, nothing. It makes me kinda sad.

When a heart breaks, it don't break even

I bet you were expecting to see The Script up there Break-even? Well I happen to be listening to that song, that I thought was called Falling To Pieces for a long time, while I type this blog. When I first sat down to write this little ditty, I was thinking about the design of my life and how I wanted to look and how that is a constantly evolving thing, I was in fact listening to the song you see above Into Dust by the awesome group Mazzy Star. And I think that the fact that I even know who this artist is, is a true testament to how my design is so eclectic that it is going to be tough to find someone who can appreciate me. I think the key word her is FIND, because what I have learned after all of this is I will NEVER find him. He will have to find me.

So with this song in mind, and a warm though of spending a lazy Saturday afternoon listening to tunes and watching movies with someone who not only loves me, but loves all the eclectic stuff about me :) I know he is out there. And I am giving this wish and thought to the heavens for safe keeping until it shall be :)

*insert Britney Spears giggle here*
XOXO

Silence...

I haven't had any songs floating around in my head for the past few days. It's like someone has turned off the Top 40 radio in my head. No 80's tunes to envote feeling, no 90's punk to rock out too. Just dead air. It makes it quite difficult to work on a blog that is all about SONGS, when you can't hear any music. It's like the sea has calmed a bit. Music is such an important part of my life that I can't imagine it with out it. I am questioning if my soundtrack is finished. I feel like Edward does when he talks with Bella. He can't see or hear her thoughts, always wondering what is coming next. I look in the mirror and see a completely different person staring back. Which in some ways is AWESOME, you know weight loss and all, but then there is a part of that face that is still trying to figure this mess all out.

I have spent so much time trying to "be someone" that I forgot how to be myself. The girl who LOVES television. The girl who loves movies. The girl who likes to laugh and make silly jokes. The girl who loves her family and friends. The motivator, the leader, and the MUSICIAN. Kinda crazy don't you think. How can you let a black hole suck up all that is what makes you be you. But I did. I was so busy running around trying to be something that I was not, that I forgot about all the things I was already. And at this moment, I am sad for myself because I have been missing out on it all. I have to learn to say yes more, especially to those things that could take me places where I want to be, so that when I look in the mirrow I see who I remember.

So it's quite okay I think, that the song has left my heart. Because she needs to rebuild and to remember. And today I am quite alright with that :)

So I charge you, my faithful readers to find a song, that represents my thoughts expressed here and post it in a comment. You guys may pick something I NEVER would have thought of...
XOXO

Hey , alright now and dont it feel good!! hey yeh

So, the natural assumption by the song is that some poor smuck has told me that he loves me, but that is so NOT TRUE. I picked this song to celebrate the feeling that it invokes. Like you could just do anything. I'm walking on Sunshine. And it feels good.

There's a day after tomorrow

So today is a new day. The beginning of the work week. Also the start of a new month. And with that I leave the past behind and what a fitting song by Mr. Jon Secada who incidentally looks like he could be related to M. Knigh Shyamalan. But I digress...

So I'm Free. What a difference 24 hour makes.

I'm gonna be my own best friend.

Truth is that it was over ages ago. But we both kept pulling each other back and forth like that Cameo song. I kept playing with breaking up with him. I would get so angry and tell him to go fuck himself one day and then 7, 14, 21 or 30 day's later I would change my mind. I think the longest I went was six months once. Now looking back on it, it seems so stupid, such a waste of time, I could have been doing anything else. I thought maybe we could figure it out and work it out, but that wasn't the case. I am incapable of that anymore.

I could go into the million reasons why, and explain and ramble on and on, but its to late for all that now. So I chose Me, Myself and I today. Doesn't matter anymore why. What does matter is that I finally have gotten it through my thick skull that this isn't going to work. That he isn't my husband and that I don't need him in my life anymore.

For 3 hours today I cried. I cried so much that I gave myself a headache.  And then I looked up and outside and I suddenly felt better. I don't know, it was like the control he had over me was gone. I flew out the window with the bee that scared the crap out of me. I think I realized that this was familiar to me and easy. I knew how to navigate this relationship and pretend that everything was okay. He checked out a year ago, stating that it's easy for him because I have been so back and forth over the past year that he knew this was coming eventually and that he was sorry that he couldn't make me happy the way I deserved to be happy. Which, I hate to admit there is some truth in that. Doesn't make it any easier though.

I think I finally heard what everyone else was trying to tell me. And maybe now I can get on with my life. I wanna thank everyone who has listen to me cry over the last 8 years. I know some of you have just gotten tired of me and this and I truly appreciate everything you have said or done. I think I have finally remembered those things that had gotten lost along the way.
XOXO