I feel a SHOCK.....

I my ramble. Seems fitting to try to fit emotions in this tiny box on my screen. Emotions are large, consuming and they take up so much room. You try to push them down deep inside but they never really seem to go away. It's like hearing a song, or smelling a scent, or going to a certain place can bring it all back to you. I close my eyes sometimes and I can see and feel ounce of emotion bubbling up from my feet. Its exhausting.

Its been months since a song has made me feel that way. I return from a place of solace and have reflected and I now have found a new sense of self. A new reality or new normal as my group calls it. I haven't really blogged about my miscarriage. Seemed pointless until now. And this isn't really about my miscarriage persay, maybe that blog will come later, but about what happened after.

I read something on facebook that said "Sometimes you have to simply forgive people, because you want them in your life." makes perfect sense to me. But for others not so much. The fact that I even acknowledge Pacey's existence is too much for some folks, but they can just suck it up cause its happening.

My miscarriage forced me to look at what was missing from my life. How did I get to the point where I am having a torrid secret love affair with a prepubescent man who looks like a fat Usher? Where did all the sense go? Why wasn't I with the person that I really loved. Why is this so hard? A week is a long time to be by yourself examining you life because everything is so fucked up now.  And I realized something..some one was MISSING.

So I promised myself no matter what it took that we would get back to where we were, before all the bullshit and DAILY we work at that. And  that is what on this day the Bizzare Love Triangle reminded me of.  Relationships are HARD. And sure we sometimes put up with bullshit that any sane person would tell you that you shouldn't but that is sometimes just a part of it. I have had the opportunity to get to know someone for enough time that I have watched them change. Not many people can say that they have witness that, because people just don't change.

What is so amazing to me is that I am reminded so much of how my tragedy and the worse day of my life brought me something that I love so much. All that I have done has helped replace and repair that part of my hear that was ripped out on the worst day. I have found my love. He has returned to me. And any proof that any one needs should come from the smile on my face.

I watched What's your Number tonight. And there was a part where she says, I have found that person who I can be myself with all the time. And I have. This man loved me at 483 pounds, and I watch his eyes light up every time we are together and he notices how my body has changed over the past 2 years. He rushed as fast as he could to myself, when Tuesday's sperm donor didn't even. Still aint seen that bastard but I digress....

So to quote the great movie love jones... It wasn't so much about forgiving him, because I had already done that. It was about forgiving myself and taking responsibilty for the role that I played in what happen and admitting I was wrong too. And then I remember love. It wasn't about who did what when and with whom anymore. It was about I have walked this earth for 2 years without out you and still never found my footing. I explored and it wasn't what I thought. And it feels GREAT to have that feeling back.

Thank you Stabbing Westward for reminding me of that feeling.

Forced to face the truth.

Bah humbug. I am a bit of a Grinch at the moment. The one thing I want for Christmas I shouldn't. And as much as I walk around like our friend Gavin Degraw here, he's right about one thing... I am not over it yet.

There are certain absolutes when talking about this. He is a horrible person. And as much as I hate to admit it, my self esteem when we met was horrible and I know that is why I stayed with him for so long. I allowed him to treat me like shit for 8 years because my self worth was so low that I didn't think I could get anyone better. I made excuses for him and lied for him all because I though in the end he would be the person that I made up in my head. And when that was taken away from me I thought I would never recover. And truth be told their are still days that I can't believe he is gone. And I wonder always of what could have been done different.

I think my problem at this point is that I remember all the fun we did had. In the beginning when everything was fresh and new. It sucks to have so many things in common with a person who has no concept how to love you because they don't love themselves. I watch from a far and watch his life deteriorate into nothing and wish I could find solice in that, but it just makes me miss him even more.

This moment of weakness was brought on by a conversation today that I had. I had a dream about him and today he text me. I've been wanting for months to ask him if he was ready to let me completely go. We broke up in March of 2010 and have been back and forth since then. The last time he was home we had a big fight and he left here with out saying good bye. I feel a unexplained magnetic force that keeps us from truly letting go. I have spent months not contacting him unless he does me, ignoring him, moving on, meeting people and it all comes back to him. But I digress....

So his answer to my question was I love you that's all I know... now truly they are just words on a screen, but its not enough anymore. The old me would have ran back and jumped right in his arms just because he said he loved me. But when does that love turn into action. Truth be told he moved on the other side of the country with out a fleeding thought. Left me here. He has never chosen me and I need to be with someone no matter what would always choose me. And that is what makes this so hard because I do love him, well the idea of him, what he was suppose to represent in my heart and soul.

So just for today I am not doing just fine because my heart is trying to repair itself because I need to let go and the last to pieces of my heart string feels like there is something to hold on to. But I can't help some one who refuses to take responisbilty for themselves which I plainly told him today.

So me and Gavin my be kickin the P and me singing his song, because I am NOT over you.

Living a life that I can't leave behind

On most days now there is only a thought. But as it gets closer to the holidays I am wondering more.

I am struggling with my circle of friends as the closer I look at them the more I wonder why we are friends. I think I use to surround myself with people so I wouldn't have to deal with my own crap. And now that I have decided to deal with my crap it make is increasingly harder to give a crap about other peoples crap (please forgive my use of the word crap so many times, trying really hard not to say shit) but I digress...

I find that I know a lot of mean girls, and I use the term to discribe a group of people not that they are actually all girls. But as I trot along on my journey it is getting increasingly hard to want to be around these people. Especially when they aren't very nice to me in the first place. The more I lose my "outter fat shell" and the stronger I get in my body and my mind and I am starting to see that I don't really like these people but because I have considered the friends for so long they are really hard to let go.

Before that old Davette would have just took the abuse and the treatment and not really thought anything of it, but now it has gotten to the point where I want to lash out and scream. I can't stand people who go through life ignoring you one minute and then in your face the next. I can't stand people who think you are just there for there enjoyment and because there isn't anything better to do. Real friends love you even if your panties are stinky and will be there to help you wash your panties. Fake friends don't answer your calls or text when you text them and they just wanna be around when things are on the up and up.

So what does Bizarre Love Triangle have to do with all of this. There have been points in the last year where I have wanted to get down on my knees and scream out why God. I am having a hard time leaving parts of my old life behind and today I was reminded of that very thought when this song came on my Pandora this morning. I need to work on letting some of those "mean girls" go because sitting up at night worrying about why they are igrnoring me on this day, or they passive agressive reactions to something I have said of done, doesn't really matter in the larger picture.

People who don't love themseves certainly can't love another person. So what I plan to do is love those "mean girls" from a far and keep doing me...

XOXO

I am not paranoid...

Today's thought. Why do people think they have the right to police the things you write or post or whatever. I have always been a writer, even at a young age I would spend my evenings after homework writing letters of love or of friendship to those in my life. Never as a child did I ever think that the internet would become what it has. But writing has always been my way of getting things out so that I can better understand myself and certain situations that arise in my life. And since the conception of FACEBOOK and MY Space my thoughts have always gotten me into trouble.

For a long time I thought it was ME because I am lacking what some peole call a sensor tollerance. But as of late I am starting to think it is everyone else.  One of the freedoms that I enjoy is that one they call the First Amendment.  Which basically gives me the right to say what the fuck I want. But I do try to take peoples sensitivities into consideration before I say certain things, well at least I use to. But I have gotten to the point where as long as I am not literally causing harm to anyone, what does it matter. I think people need to make a decision, you are either gonna keep reading or stop. I am not asking anyone to ever read what I have to say, because who am I other than a woman who has decided to put pen to paper and make sense of her crazy world.

In trying to focus on myself more and less on the past, I find that I need to be free in what I say because that is going to help me find my true self. It is very hard to look at yourself and find those places where you have hidden for so long, especially if people are constantly berading you and trying to get you to shut up so to speak. But I think about all of those before me who screamed loudly through their actions and I think, well I can keep doing this.

So where does Rockwell fit into all these. He really doesn't, I posted this song more for the haters out there because at times they make me feel like I am being watched. It's like people are waiting for me to fuck up. But that's just it even when you do fuck up you can start over and try again. Life is about taking chances, as many as you need to until you get where you are going. And I am going to keep taking chances every day till I get there.

XOXO

30 days.

So. It has been 31 days since I have even looked at my blog. I guess I have been busy. Busy visiting my aunt at the hospital. Busy planning her funeral. Busy trying to figure out who the heck I am. Busy trying to figure out how my life is different and how things are constantly changing and I don't know if I am going to be able to keep up. So busy that I forgot why I even started this blog. But today I had some time to think and I realized that they reason why I started this blog may have changed but its purpose is still relevent. So I must press on and get back to the source that inspires this blog....music.

I was on a friends group page on facebook today and she has as the quote for her page "Step by Step, day by day." And it reminded me of this Whitney Houston song. And its amazing sometimes what songs can make you feel ( i know I keep saying that but its the truth) I honestly use to not like this song so much that when it would come on my CD I would skip it. But it wasn't until just a little while ago that I actually GOT what she was singing out.

This song is about making it through whatever is thrown at you. A few months ago I thought I would never be to a point where the past didn't matter, when it wouldn't be my focus day in and day out. And I think that is why I stepped away from the blog. I was tired of seeing myself on paper complain about something that wasn't going to change. But its now with the same sense of purpose I had before that I have to change the underlying theme and reinvent what this is suppose to be about... SELF DISCOVERY through music.

To quote the lyrics...

Well, there's a bridge and there's a river
That I still must cross
As I'm going on my journey
Oh, I might be lost
And there's a road I have to follow
A place I have to go
But no one told me just how to get there
But when I get there I'll know...
'Cause I'm taking it...
Step by step
Bit by bit
Stone by stone
Brick by brick
Step by step
Day by day
Mile by mile
Go your own way

So I have taken my own way on the same road as everyone else. And I will be continuing along this road with a song in my heart and skip in my step. It is when I find ME I know I will have found my way :0 )

XOXO

 

Thank you Paula Abdul......

So, I blame Paula Abdul for my distorted view of the way love should be. Pretty fucked up isn't it. To blame one person for all the irreversable damage, but someone has to take the blame. All of her happy up beat songs like...

Forever Your Girl

or maybe if that doesn't float your boat, what about....

Rush Rush ( gotta love KR in this one)

But I mean come on, this idealist view of the way love should be has gotten me in trouble.  I mean that crap that she is singing about doesn't really exsist I don't think. Or maybe it does and my past is just full of bullshit that was disguised as the love she sings about.

Right now I feel like why even put in the work if they are just gonna leave you in the end. What sucks about trying to get over and move on past this love is that you have to think about all the aspects of what happened, examine them and figure out how to grow past it. Looking back on everything the first thing that dawned on me was that I want a storybook, love song version of a relationship.  But that doesn't really happen. Relationships are hard, they take work, and ONE person can't do all the work. It's like when you text someone and they don't respond. Should I have to ask questions to always get a response from that person, well no, I feel. Because a person who wants to carry on a conversation with you will respond whether or not there is a question. Because conversations are always about question and answer.

What I am starting to realize is that a person who wants to be in a relationship with you won't disappear for days, will answer when you call, will call you just because. They won't hesitate to tell you that they love you or their feelings for you. Actions will SCREAM it.  A love song isn't what the love is, its a manifestation of what the love has made that person feel. So maybe it isn't Paula's fault, but the way my brain has for years processed how love should make me feel. And instead of wanting to feel like a love song, I need to feel enough to want to write my own love song. 

I just felt a piece of my heart reconnect to my soul.

XOXO

And NOW I'm Stuck....

So there isn't a "official video for this song. I wish there was cause he is SOOO hot and they have such creative and very 80's type videos that have storyline and the such, but maybe you can just imagine him doing something creative and cool while you read this and listen along.

SN: How many of your listen to the song while you are reading. I try to write the blog while I am listening to the song, I think that is how the lyrics sometimes end up in the actual post. Then other times its hard cause I get so lost in the song I forget to type....

So, I woke up this morning and despite still dealing with this stupid cold, virus, running nose thing, I feel stuck. I keep replaying my relationship over in my head, trying to figure out what the fuck happened. I some times feel like I am just really ill-equipt to even be someone's girlfriend. What does it even really mean. I don't know how to day. Hell, I barely can talk to men most of the time. I watch my friends flirt with guys and carry on these relationships with ease and that thought of actually meeting someone and having to let them get to know me actually scares that crap out of me.  So I dont really think I am ready for that step especially since my heart is still belting out this song.

So Adam makes several points in his beautiful ballad. I am stuck. Everytime I think I get unstuck, something reminds me or makes me think about what was was. I am trying daily to not fall apart. But it really pisses me off that he is just fine with all of this. To quote his very last text to me, You have been leaving me for a year, so I am pretty much use to it now. WHAT? WTF does that mean. I mean I could go on a rant about how that fool left me and moved to North Dakota and didn't even tell me, but we won't go there.

It just sucks cause I would like to think in a perfect world that he is somewhere on the eastern seaboard wondering the streets of where ever he lives just as upset as I am and trying NOT to fall apart, but I know better. And that is just the kicker for me, because this is the exact reason WHY we shouldn't be together in the first place. I want someone who CAN'T live with out me and he isn't that. I feel stupid because my heart strings still want him to do that, but I guess recognizing the problem is the first step right?

A procedure like that one Jim Carey in Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind would be AWESOME right now.

XOXO