Forced to face the truth.

Bah humbug. I am a bit of a Grinch at the moment. The one thing I want for Christmas I shouldn't. And as much as I walk around like our friend Gavin Degraw here, he's right about one thing... I am not over it yet.

There are certain absolutes when talking about this. He is a horrible person. And as much as I hate to admit it, my self esteem when we met was horrible and I know that is why I stayed with him for so long. I allowed him to treat me like shit for 8 years because my self worth was so low that I didn't think I could get anyone better. I made excuses for him and lied for him all because I though in the end he would be the person that I made up in my head. And when that was taken away from me I thought I would never recover. And truth be told their are still days that I can't believe he is gone. And I wonder always of what could have been done different.

I think my problem at this point is that I remember all the fun we did had. In the beginning when everything was fresh and new. It sucks to have so many things in common with a person who has no concept how to love you because they don't love themselves. I watch from a far and watch his life deteriorate into nothing and wish I could find solice in that, but it just makes me miss him even more.

This moment of weakness was brought on by a conversation today that I had. I had a dream about him and today he text me. I've been wanting for months to ask him if he was ready to let me completely go. We broke up in March of 2010 and have been back and forth since then. The last time he was home we had a big fight and he left here with out saying good bye. I feel a unexplained magnetic force that keeps us from truly letting go. I have spent months not contacting him unless he does me, ignoring him, moving on, meeting people and it all comes back to him. But I digress....

So his answer to my question was I love you that's all I know... now truly they are just words on a screen, but its not enough anymore. The old me would have ran back and jumped right in his arms just because he said he loved me. But when does that love turn into action. Truth be told he moved on the other side of the country with out a fleeding thought. Left me here. He has never chosen me and I need to be with someone no matter what would always choose me. And that is what makes this so hard because I do love him, well the idea of him, what he was suppose to represent in my heart and soul.

So just for today I am not doing just fine because my heart is trying to repair itself because I need to let go and the last to pieces of my heart string feels like there is something to hold on to. But I can't help some one who refuses to take responisbilty for themselves which I plainly told him today.

So me and Gavin my be kickin the P and me singing his song, because I am NOT over you.

Living a life that I can't leave behind

On most days now there is only a thought. But as it gets closer to the holidays I am wondering more.

I am struggling with my circle of friends as the closer I look at them the more I wonder why we are friends. I think I use to surround myself with people so I wouldn't have to deal with my own crap. And now that I have decided to deal with my crap it make is increasingly harder to give a crap about other peoples crap (please forgive my use of the word crap so many times, trying really hard not to say shit) but I digress...

I find that I know a lot of mean girls, and I use the term to discribe a group of people not that they are actually all girls. But as I trot along on my journey it is getting increasingly hard to want to be around these people. Especially when they aren't very nice to me in the first place. The more I lose my "outter fat shell" and the stronger I get in my body and my mind and I am starting to see that I don't really like these people but because I have considered the friends for so long they are really hard to let go.

Before that old Davette would have just took the abuse and the treatment and not really thought anything of it, but now it has gotten to the point where I want to lash out and scream. I can't stand people who go through life ignoring you one minute and then in your face the next. I can't stand people who think you are just there for there enjoyment and because there isn't anything better to do. Real friends love you even if your panties are stinky and will be there to help you wash your panties. Fake friends don't answer your calls or text when you text them and they just wanna be around when things are on the up and up.

So what does Bizarre Love Triangle have to do with all of this. There have been points in the last year where I have wanted to get down on my knees and scream out why God. I am having a hard time leaving parts of my old life behind and today I was reminded of that very thought when this song came on my Pandora this morning. I need to work on letting some of those "mean girls" go because sitting up at night worrying about why they are igrnoring me on this day, or they passive agressive reactions to something I have said of done, doesn't really matter in the larger picture.

People who don't love themseves certainly can't love another person. So what I plan to do is love those "mean girls" from a far and keep doing me...

XOXO

I am not paranoid...

Today's thought. Why do people think they have the right to police the things you write or post or whatever. I have always been a writer, even at a young age I would spend my evenings after homework writing letters of love or of friendship to those in my life. Never as a child did I ever think that the internet would become what it has. But writing has always been my way of getting things out so that I can better understand myself and certain situations that arise in my life. And since the conception of FACEBOOK and MY Space my thoughts have always gotten me into trouble.

For a long time I thought it was ME because I am lacking what some peole call a sensor tollerance. But as of late I am starting to think it is everyone else.  One of the freedoms that I enjoy is that one they call the First Amendment.  Which basically gives me the right to say what the fuck I want. But I do try to take peoples sensitivities into consideration before I say certain things, well at least I use to. But I have gotten to the point where as long as I am not literally causing harm to anyone, what does it matter. I think people need to make a decision, you are either gonna keep reading or stop. I am not asking anyone to ever read what I have to say, because who am I other than a woman who has decided to put pen to paper and make sense of her crazy world.

In trying to focus on myself more and less on the past, I find that I need to be free in what I say because that is going to help me find my true self. It is very hard to look at yourself and find those places where you have hidden for so long, especially if people are constantly berading you and trying to get you to shut up so to speak. But I think about all of those before me who screamed loudly through their actions and I think, well I can keep doing this.

So where does Rockwell fit into all these. He really doesn't, I posted this song more for the haters out there because at times they make me feel like I am being watched. It's like people are waiting for me to fuck up. But that's just it even when you do fuck up you can start over and try again. Life is about taking chances, as many as you need to until you get where you are going. And I am going to keep taking chances every day till I get there.

XOXO

30 days.

So. It has been 31 days since I have even looked at my blog. I guess I have been busy. Busy visiting my aunt at the hospital. Busy planning her funeral. Busy trying to figure out who the heck I am. Busy trying to figure out how my life is different and how things are constantly changing and I don't know if I am going to be able to keep up. So busy that I forgot why I even started this blog. But today I had some time to think and I realized that they reason why I started this blog may have changed but its purpose is still relevent. So I must press on and get back to the source that inspires this blog....music.

I was on a friends group page on facebook today and she has as the quote for her page "Step by Step, day by day." And it reminded me of this Whitney Houston song. And its amazing sometimes what songs can make you feel ( i know I keep saying that but its the truth) I honestly use to not like this song so much that when it would come on my CD I would skip it. But it wasn't until just a little while ago that I actually GOT what she was singing out.

This song is about making it through whatever is thrown at you. A few months ago I thought I would never be to a point where the past didn't matter, when it wouldn't be my focus day in and day out. And I think that is why I stepped away from the blog. I was tired of seeing myself on paper complain about something that wasn't going to change. But its now with the same sense of purpose I had before that I have to change the underlying theme and reinvent what this is suppose to be about... SELF DISCOVERY through music.

To quote the lyrics...

Well, there's a bridge and there's a river
That I still must cross
As I'm going on my journey
Oh, I might be lost
And there's a road I have to follow
A place I have to go
But no one told me just how to get there
But when I get there I'll know...
'Cause I'm taking it...
Step by step
Bit by bit
Stone by stone
Brick by brick
Step by step
Day by day
Mile by mile
Go your own way

So I have taken my own way on the same road as everyone else. And I will be continuing along this road with a song in my heart and skip in my step. It is when I find ME I know I will have found my way :0 )

XOXO