Its been months since a song has made me feel that way. I return from a place of solace and have reflected and I now have found a new sense of self. A new reality or new normal as my group calls it. I haven't really blogged about my miscarriage. Seemed pointless until now. And this isn't really about my miscarriage persay, maybe that blog will come later, but about what happened after.
I read something on facebook that said "Sometimes you have to simply forgive people, because you want them in your life." makes perfect sense to me. But for others not so much. The fact that I even acknowledge Pacey's existence is too much for some folks, but they can just suck it up cause its happening.
My miscarriage forced me to look at what was missing from my life. How did I get to the point where I am having a torrid secret love affair with a prepubescent man who looks like a fat Usher? Where did all the sense go? Why wasn't I with the person that I really loved. Why is this so hard? A week is a long time to be by yourself examining you life because everything is so fucked up now. And I realized something..some one was MISSING.
So I promised myself no matter what it took that we would get back to where we were, before all the bullshit and DAILY we work at that. And that is what on this day the Bizzare Love Triangle reminded me of. Relationships are HARD. And sure we sometimes put up with bullshit that any sane person would tell you that you shouldn't but that is sometimes just a part of it. I have had the opportunity to get to know someone for enough time that I have watched them change. Not many people can say that they have witness that, because people just don't change.
What is so amazing to me is that I am reminded so much of how my tragedy and the worse day of my life brought me something that I love so much. All that I have done has helped replace and repair that part of my hear that was ripped out on the worst day. I have found my love. He has returned to me. And any proof that any one needs should come from the smile on my face.
I watched What's your Number tonight. And there was a part where she says, I have found that person who I can be myself with all the time. And I have. This man loved me at 483 pounds, and I watch his eyes light up every time we are together and he notices how my body has changed over the past 2 years. He rushed as fast as he could to myself, when Tuesday's sperm donor didn't even. Still aint seen that bastard but I digress....
So to quote the great movie love jones... It wasn't so much about forgiving him, because I had already done that. It was about forgiving myself and taking responsibilty for the role that I played in what happen and admitting I was wrong too. And then I remember love. It wasn't about who did what when and with whom anymore. It was about I have walked this earth for 2 years without out you and still never found my footing. I explored and it wasn't what I thought. And it feels GREAT to have that feeling back.
Thank you Stabbing Westward for reminding me of that feeling.
